This man shares the bills with you, and your meals and your bed, but he
apparently can't share his thoughts, specifically on the one subject
that is closest to your needs at the moment.
Although you think you've been living like a married couple, I can't
agree, because most of the married couples I know can talk things over
and don't "clam up" on eachother when serious decisions must be made. As
far as I can see, he is not ready to comit to a lifetime relationship.
Perhaps you are, but it takes two to create a marriage.
I believe you are confusing "sleeping together" with "living like a
married couple". There is a vast difference. When you consider how many
decisions married people have to make together, you must know that they
are more far reaching than simply what's for supper, and who will turn
out the light.
Large problems must be solved by every married couple. Decisions must be
made regarding all the members of two families, because when you marry a
man, you marry his family, and he marries yours. The relationships
between each of you and all those other family members have to be taken
into consideration. If they are ignored before the marriage, they could
become battles later.
Then there is the enormous subject of children. Every aspect of your and
his understanding of the role of children in a family must be thoroughly
discussed before you undertake marriage. This does not just include
your plans for how many children, or how you will be dealing with having
babies around the house, but also how you will adapt your entire lives
to the raising and loving of children forever; from the moment they are
conceived to the end of your life. Even if your marriage dissolves, the
children you produce will never cease to be your children.
Attitudes towards friends, neighbours, colleagues at work, and strangers
you will meet, are also important to discuss. In other words, you and
this man do have to be on very close terms verbally, not just sexually.
If he can't discuss such an obviously important factor as marriage, you
might as well just resign yourself to continuing your relationship with
him on an eating, sleeping and sharing payments for the car basis. When
you feel it is time for you to get married, seek out a person who finds
it engaging, and in fact exciting, to discuss all those serious matters
that people must discuss when they want to be married.
The fellow you are with now is not the one with whom you should try to
establish a permanent relationship. Even if you can finally break
through his silence on this one topic, you will spend your life fighting
with him about every other detail.
One faint possible hope for him at this time would be for you to get
someone else he trusts to explain for you his tremendous fear of the
subject of marriage. You could ask his parents, his siblings, his
friends at work, his closest chum, his old girl friend. If it's because
of some previous terrible experience, you'll never get over that hurdle
until you can talk it out and he finds that you love him and are not
frightened by that terrible experience which he refuses to discuss.
But I don't hold out much hope in that direction. Although solutions can
be found for most problems, in the case of a man clamming up, I really
think your best bet is to enjoy him on his terms. Leave marriage to
others whose boyfriends approve of that particular convention. There are
untold millions of people living, as you do, happily unmarried. Perhaps
you should just stop trying to broach the subject with him and try to
enjoy the kind of life that he does.
Truly yours,
GG
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