I have a great granny who will turn 90 this year. Her b-day is close to
Christmas therefor the family doesn't want to travel for the day to see
her. My mom is her sole support although granny lives alone still. Mom
is 72 and in great health physically but stressed out emotionally. There
are 5 grandchildren and we are all very different. Sister 1 is 50 and lives
in a fantasy world where all is wonderful and perfect and she lies about
everything else. Sister 2 is 49 and is a trouble maker who seeks to
disrupt our lives and upset everyone. She dwells in the past and says cruel
things. She also lies or exaggerates to keep herself as the centre of
attention. Brother is 48, a recovering alcoholic whom I have not seen or
spoken to in 9 years. I do not wish to be a part of his life because he too
loves to upset people and says cruel things about others. Sister 3 is 39
and very cold to the family. She ignores everyone including Mom and
Granny although she lives only 20 minutes away. I am the Sister 4 and
baby at 37.
They all used to manipulate me when I was younger and think they still can.
They all dislike each other and compete to be - this is the sad part - the
poorest, the richest, the most down and out, the neglected child, the
favourite child, even the sickest if someone else takes ill. It is sick and
I can't stand it! We all live thousands of miles apart, never see each
other and still it goes on. If Sister 2 and Brother are not scheming to
hurt a sibling, they attack Mom. I can't take it. Brother went so far as
to cut Mom out of his life because he went bankrupt and wanted to take his
son to Florida to see Sister 2. When Mom would not pay, he didn't speak to
her for 5 years, moved and sent no forwarding address and phone number.
Sister 2 knew this was going to happen and sat back and said nothing.
Mom was so upset and hurt. These are cruel people.
Problem: Gathering of the clan in two weeks. All will be present except
me. Granny is upset because she would like to have all 5 of us together
because it has been such a long time. She has all her wits still. Already
the back stabbing has started and the games have begun. I told Mom last
night that I don't think I can handle the situation. Her answer is for me
to be the "mature one". The problem is that I am tired of them all and
couldn't care less if I see any of them. They are inconsiderate and very
selfish, self centred people. I want to go to make Granny happy but at the
same time I don't think I can keep my sharp tongue quiet if they say or do
anything to upset another. I plan to go to see Granny on her real birthday
as a suprise but it is not the same thing for her this time. She thinks she
may pass on soon and would like to have a family reunion.
Help!
Go to the family gathering! BE the mature one. Make your mother happy,
and provide what might be the last reunion of the whole clan that will
ever include your grandmother.
On behalf of all grannies everywhere I resent your remark that she has
all her wits "still." Why wouldn't she? Surely you aren't one of those
who think that people who live a long time lose their wits. From the
description of some of your siblings, I imagine that they are fast
losing theirs, and maybe you are too, but your granny must have lived a
different sort of life, and fortunately has not become witless. This
should not be such a surpise.
So what if you don't like your sisters and brother and don't care if you
ever see them again! What has that to do with your grandmother? What has
she done to turn you against her? Do you blame her because the people in
your own generation can't get along with one another?
You tell me they are all self-centered. How about you? It will be
difficult for you to get along with them all during a family gathering
that will make your grandmother happy. As for keeping your sharp tongue
quiet, just do it. Think of someone else for a change. Place your own
feelings of anger way down on your list of priorities, for one day.
Ignore absolutely every remark that is made by the others, as if you
didn't even hear them. Swallow your pride long enough to give your
grandmother one day of pleasure. Prepare a few nice things to say, and
come out with them whenever the rest of the family is going into their
act of misery or one-up-man-ship.
Get everyone's attention the minute anything unpleasant seems to be
brewing by loudly reminiscing about some anecdote from your childhood.
Say - "Can you all remember when we used to go to the beach?" or "What
was that little rhyme we used to chant when we skipped rope?" You know
what I mean - some recollection that will clear the air, and if it
includes something you used to do with your grandmother, all the better,
like: "What was your favourite dessert, when we children used to visit
Granny?"
Come to the gathering prepared with a few of these mood breakers, and if
nobody will listen to you and join in your trend of thought, at least
you will have tried. Since your grandmother really wants this family
reunion, you should give it to her no matter how difficult it is for
you. Bite your tongue and make the effort. I know that after you have
done it, you will be glad you did.
Go later and see her on her real birthday, by all means. Whatever you
can do for her will be greatly appreciated. But don't do it as a favour
to her; it is you who will derive the most benefit from any time you
spend with her now. And, by the way, your presence at the reunion might
just make all the difference. You might find the strength to improve the
whole atmosphere. If your mother expects you to be the mature one, she
probably knows something about you that you should know; that you have a
special capacity that the others lack. Use it, and make your mother
proud, and your grandmother's day complete.
Truly yours,
GG
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