My husband is an only child. Before we got married I could see that he
was very close with his parents and that is ok. His mother has centered
her life all around him. He was 25 at the time and employed making his
own money. She was still controlling his checkbook and everything. I
told him that I loved the fact that he loves his mother and that they
have a close relationship, but when we got married I wanted us to run
our own business like finances etc. He agreed . So before I agreed to
marry him I made us go to a marriage counselor. So we did and we were
so open and clear about what we wanted in life and out of our marriage.
He stated that he wanted his parent to quit treating him like he was 15
years old. The counselor suggested that he had to be the one to "cut
the cord" so his mother could see the need for him to run his own
business as well as his own life. He assured me that this was the way
he wanted to live his life and he would start taking control over his
life.
Well I believed him and I believe he means well but he has a big problem
with doing it. His mother wants to control everything from our
checkbook, credit cards, down to the color of our living room. She does
this directly to him. I have been very nice to her and include her in
our lives. Now we have been married well over a year and we have never
had a problem except for them. My husband has tried to talk to her and
she started crying and asking him why I didn't like her.
I have never been anything but nice to her. It is clear that we are
playing a silent game of tug-of-war and my husband is the rope. We also
have an infant son and she comes to our house everyday I mean everyday.
She will wait sometimes to 10 o'clock at night and then come. I want my
son to have a relationship with his grandparents but they take it much
farther than that. She has started to try to control my son. They are
in every aspect of our lives from our home everyday to church to events
in my husband's work that are meant for the employees and their wives
and children they come to.
I could learn to live with that if I could go home and get away for a
little while but I can't. I am feeling very bitter about the whole
situation and am tired of it. I feel it would be pointless for me to
sit and talk to them about this because unless my husband does it she
thinks that it is just me and continues to run his life. I can see that
he is trying but the harder we push away from her in trying to run our
personal business the harder she pushes to run it.
I am bitter because before I married him I made it very clear what kind
of life I wanted to lead and he said he understood. I want his parents
to be a big part of our lives but they have crossed over boundries that
were set before I agreed to marry my husband that he agreed on too.
Help!!!
You have learned something that I wish everyone would understand before
they get married, and that is that when you marry a man you marry his
family.
Another thing you are learning is that you can't change anyone but
yourself. Even though you went to a marriage counsellor, and even though
your husband promised you he would cut the cord with his mother, he is
still the little mama's boy he always was, and always will be.
Possibly, just possibly, he might be able to take on being a husband and
a father as a new priority if you were all to go back to that marriage
counsellor. By all, I mean you and your husband and both his parents.
You haven't said much about his father but I think if he knew how much
grief the constant interference is causing you he might find some other
activity to occupy his wife's spare time.
Another possible way to improve the situation is sit down with your
husband and make a list of the step by step method you should use to
wean his mother away from trying to run your lives. The list might look
like this:
- No more invitations to office affairs. Tell her it's only for wives.
- Don't consult her when you're making a new purchase. Surprise her.
- No more visits after supper. Tell her it interferes with the baby's routine.
- If she asks any questions about finances, tell her you want to keep your accounts to yourselves.
- Etc...
Do these things one at a time so she won't get the feeling you are
cutting her out of your lives, and at the same time make special
occasions to have her over, at your invitation, and make it a special
event when she comes.
Her tragedy is that she had only one son upon whom she obviously doted
and now you have taken him away. She should be filling her life with
other interests. Raising a child is wonderful of course, and very
fulfilling, but there's lots more to life than that. With the help of
her husband, and other people who care for her, including people her
age, you should be able to find activities right around her home that
would make her feel useful. Try the volunteer agencies around town. Get
someone at the school or the library or the local hospital to ask her to
volunteer. If you're connected with a church, they might help find her
some way of using her talents, other than trying to continue "raising"
her son.
You seem to be a resourceful person. Now is the time to get out all your
resources and find a way of keeping friendly with this woman who has
provided you with such a great husband, and at the same time preventing
her from ruining your marriage.
I hope you will find a way,
Sincerely,
GG
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