Please help me. I have a 16 year old daughter who will be 17 in
October. She is the light of my life. My husband travels a lot and so
we have been on our own a lot in the last 16 years. She is my best
friend and I love her with all my heart.
She is a great kid. The only area of concern is her grades. She has
great potential but doesn't apply herself. Her "social life" gets in
the way. I have had her phone line disconnected because she was
spending so much time on the phone, she was getting frustrated with
herself and was in tears because of the pressure she put on herself.
She spends a lot of time on the computer talking to her friends. I
think she spends too much time on it but my husband says at least she is
at home.
She is an only child and I am having a terrible time letting go. If
anything ever happened to her, I don't think I could go on. A lot of
her friends have their licenses and a lot of them have their own cars
even though they are only 16 or 17 years old. She took driver ed and
passed the course and we let her drive a lot with us. I told her she
couldn't get her license until after the first marking period and we saw
her grades. She failed 3 courses last year and spent our summer in
summer school.
I just let her go out on her first date a few months ago, but only
because I have known the boy and his family since he was a baby. I know
that she is going to want to go out this year, but again, I can't let
go. I am open to any suggestions.
Thank you.
That is a difficult situation to be in: one daughter and alone with her
much of the time. I don't envy you, but there must be a way of coping
with your particular problem.
It's too late to suggest you have more than one child, but it's not too
late to suggest that you have more than one interest in your life.
Your husband may be away a lot now, but when he retires he will be
around more and perhaps it's not too soon to be planning for what you
two will do when that time comes. But that's in the future; your problem
is today.
You have managed to control your child's life so tightly that she has
only dated one boy, and that one was your own choice. That's amazing!
Removing your daughter's phone seems to me like an unusual punishment
and I wonder what terrible crime on her part brought that on. At least
she has internet contact with friends, so she's not entirely alone with
her overprotective mother.
If it's her school work that is stressing her out, I think you should
discuss that with her teachers, or the guidance counsellor at her
school, or maybe just forget it and don't press her to get good grades.
There are more important things than school marks, especially if getting
them makes a person sick.
If the stress comes from her relationship with you it will be up to you
to make some changes right away. It might simply be a case of needing
more space for herself.
At her age she could suddenly rebel and that would be the end of your
wonderful mother-daughter twosome, so try not to strangle her with your
need to mother her forever. She is an adult, recognize that fact. Don't
do anything to disrespect it. She also will find friends who are more
important to her than you are. Facing that probability will be very hard
on you, but it will happen so don't let it shock you when it happens..
The end result of your daughter growing up will be that you will have to
have much more in your life than your child. You owe it to yourself to
pick up your life and make it exciting. Do you want to paint? Would you
like to build things? How about studying interior decorating and doing a
job on your own home?
Have you traveled? Does a bus tour sound like fun? All these things
bring you into contact with interesting people and there are plenty of
folk out there, just like you, who would cherish new friendships.
Sing in a choir. Volunteer at the hospital, at the senior's center, at
the library, at the soup kitchen, or at the school. Find something
intriguing to do that will make your daughter proud of you, as an
individual doing interesting and worthwhile things, not just as a doting
mother.
What I'm saying is that you must face life without that child under your
wing because her childhood will not last forever. In fact, it is over
right now.
Life is a lot more than just raising a child.
I wish you many more years of a different sort of usefulness.
GG
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