Hi, I like your web site, and I think you give really good advice, I hope
that you will be able to help me with my problem.
Here's what happened,
I'm almost 16, and me and my boyfriend are really in love. We have had sex,
and I was on the birth control pill and we were very careful that I didn't get
pregnant or anything. My parents didn't know I was on the pill or that I was
having sex because they don't believe in premarital sex, and don't think
it's right to have sex until I'm alot older.
Anyways my parents went in my closet and found the pills, and they were
really upset, the yelled at my boyfriend and his parents and they have
banned me from seeing or talking to him. I do still talk to him on the phone
when my parents go out. Me and him both are determined to stay together no
matter what my parents say, but I am also determined to get my parents to
let me see him again, so I won't have to lie to them and sneak around behind
their backs and risk getting into even more trouble.
What do you think I should
do to convince my parents to let me see him again, because so far everything
I've tried isn't working, and I'm not going to give up until I'm alowed to see him.
As a parent yourself what would convince you to let me see him again. I really
hope you can help me!
thank you
S
What would convince me is not the point here, because I am not your
parent, and I do not share their views. All I can do is try to imagine
what they are thinking, and you can do the same.
They found your birth control pills and panicked. I wonder why they were
looking in your closet. Was it just to find your winter coat to send to
the cleaners, or maybe they were looking for the vacuum cleaner or
something and had looked everywhere else? Or were they suspicious of
your behaviour with your boy friend and looking for evidence that you
were sleeping with him?
When they found the pills they immediately knew that you had been
deceiving them. As a child, under 16, and still living with your
parents, you should not have been doing something of which they
disapproved. That was your first mistake.
But I know, and you know, and your parents also must surely know, that
sleeping with your boyfriend was something over which you had little
control. These things just happen; there's no mystery about that.
I have to suppose that there was no way you could have told your mother
what was happening, so you kept it a secret and when she found you out
I'm not surprised that she flew into a rage and grounded you.
She won't give you her permission to go to that boy again because she is
sure in her own mind that you will sleep with him and probably get
pregnant despite the pills, and probably get some sexually transmitted
disease to boot. Also, every parent is deathly fearful of AIDS with
regard to promiscuous teenagers.
Explain to your parents that you and your boyfriend are not promiscuous,
and that he is a nice decent boy who you plan some day to marry. Ask
them for their permission to have him visit you when everyone is around
so they can get to know him.
Persuade your boyfriend to apologize to them for having slept with you
while you were so young.
If you realize what a mistake it was, and if he knows that too, you can
convince your parents that you are truly sorry.
Promise them that you will not sleep with him if they will just let you
go out on a date with him.
Keep your promise.
If he is really the fine person you say he is, you should be able to
meet and enjoy each other's company without leaping into bed. Even old
married couples are able to stay apart for short periods without
perishing from love-sickness. You can do it too, even if it's just to
prove to your parents that you are a sensible person, not a giddy child.
If your boyfriend can't date you without intercourse, then he's not the
reliable, sensible person you should be thinking seriously about. If he
can go along with your friendship on all levels without sex, then there
is hope for your relationship.
Realizing that it was a serious mistake to let this happen in view of
the knowledge that your parents disapproved is part of your solution.
When that happens, all the rest should be easy. In spite of the
difference of opinion and values, between you and your parents, you must
respect them. When you become a parent yourself you will begin to
understand their protectiveness towards you. For now just take it for
granted that they love you more than you can know and eveyrthing they do
is because of that love.
Return their love by respecting their wishes, and don't ask me how you
can convert them, rather ask yourself how best you can help them in
their difficult task of keeping you safe and sound until you are able to
do that for yourself.
Truly yours,
GG
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