I have a concern about my mother and her boyfriend. My father died 3
years ago and my mother started dating about a year ago. I was very
happy to see her dating because it made her happy. Around 6 months ago
she met a younger man who is not divorced yet but made her very happy.
They have become very close and now live together.
I am happy to see my mom happy but the man has a personality that I
don't care for and my mom even acts different now, this really bothers me.
I really don't know what to do and am trying to stay open-minded.
However prior to this my mom was always very critical of people who lived
together, especially if one of the parties was already married.
There is
a lot more to the story but I'm tying to keep it short. Anyway if you have any
suggestions I'd like to hear them.
Sad, in the USA.
You are not completely sad, because you rejoice in the contentment of
your mother. As you say there is much more to the story, you should
write it all down because that exercise alone will lead you to possible
solutions of what is bothering you.
Becoming a widow is devastating and those who are able to find happiness
with another man are the lucky ones, a fact that you have realized.
The change in attitude of your mother towards people living together
outside wedlock is not surprising. Until she found out for herself that
this is a good life, she was critical of others. That was simply because
she didn't understand what they were going through. Being critical of
others in situations one does not fully understand is dangerous. It's
too bad your own mother was being critical in this way, but I guess she
must have got some satisfaction from stating her disapproval. Judging
other people's behaviour is always a mistake.
Now you are doing the same sort of thing. You are concerned about your
mother because her partner's personality grates on you and he is
married to somebody else. That could lead to all sorts of problems. If
that man's wife wants to she could wreak havoc in the lives of both him
and your mother. Also your mother could become overcome with remorse
about being a "home-wrecker" and "the other woman" and worse.
But apparently they have overcome all this sort of unhappy result of
their union and are enjoying good times together. Life can bring so many
bad times, especially when one has to carry on alone after a spouse has
died, that I guess your best bet for her sake would be to just go along
with the situation as it now is. Your mother is enjoying her life.
Continue to be happy for her.
If you think that younger man is staying with her for other than honest
love, maybe hoping to inherit or otherwise gain from the arrangement,
then that's another story. Just to clear your mind, you could do some
detective work on the matter. If you have a mate, or siblings, whom you
trust, you could join up to mount a secret campaign to investigate your
mother's lover.
Don't ever let your investigation be discovered, and take your time.
Find out, if you can, what his wife is doing about it all. Find out who
his friends are and what he does and where he goes when he is not with
your mother. Find out what you can about his financial situation. Check
his credit rating, discreetly. See how your mother's financial position
is changing.
I wouldn't want to suggest that he is fleecing her or is a con man or
anything because the chances are that he is just an ordinarily nice
person who has found the affection from your mother that was somehow
lacking in his own marriage. But - you never will be satisfied until you
know for sure.
So - check him out - secretly. You don't want him to be an enemy. And
don't tell him I suggested this because I don't want him for an enemy
either!
Yours truly,
GG
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