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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
My problem revolves around my Mother-in-Law. My husband and l have been
together for almost thirteen years, but she has always been a problem.
When l first met her l was only seventeen and very shy, and until my husband
and l began to live together she pretty much got her own way. She has hurt
us so many times - usually in a way that is very difficult to pin down, so
confronting her about it has been extremely difficult. She is Japanese and
pretends that there is a language barrier.
When she neglected to put my name on the card when we were married she
said that she'd forgotten to do it. This hurt my husband far more than it hurt
me. In fact, everything she does hurts him more - l think l have been a pawn
in a game that is geared at hurting him. She has encouraged old girlfriends
to 'phone our home after he has argued with her, called my family liars,
etc., but we always end up feeling sorry for her and feeling as though we
are in some way to blame. We are excluded from family events because we
will not live our lives in the way she wants us to. She is always disappointed in
my husband. It makes no sense because we have gone through so much and
have achieved such a lot. We have a lovely home in a lovely town, my husband
has a very good job, we have a good relationship with the other people around
us, and my family love my husband.
I have tried to get to know her, but she doesn't want to get to know me.
I am excluded from family photos, and she is always referring to the fact
that l don't look after my husband properly. My husband and l look after each
other, and we are best friends. We share the workload and we are a good team.
If we have troubles we solve them without worrying those around us,
and we've never asked for money or given her any reason to doubt our ability
to cope. When we were forced to leave our home, many years ago, she offered
to take my husband back home but not me. When he was very ill last year she
was only concerned with the fact that he hadn't visited her and had not behaved
as a son should. We have to pretend that we have no money because
she expects to be supported. When she found out that we had saved enough
for the deposit to buy our current home she told one of her sons to ask us
to buy her a house. We were made to feel guilty for having our own home.
We did try to be honest with her. We met for dinner and talked about how
things are effecting us, and when she left she said that she was sorry and
cried. We thought that our problems could finally be resolved, but only a
few months later she 'phoned, screaming at my husband about how much she'd
been hurt by his allegations, and said that it was our fault that she was
unhappy and ill. She's only 52 years old, but insists that she has had a
hard life since he left home and abandoned her. I can honestly say that she
never does a good thing for anyone. She 'phones only when she wants
something. I have come to the conclusion that we are better off without
her. We don't intend to have children so we won't be depriving any little
ones of their grandmother. But l feel sorry for my husband. When she 'phones
he is upset and withdrawn for days, and he becomes increasingly cold and
aggressive after he's had contact with her.
I can feel that there's a storm brewing, and l would like some advice about
what we should do before the next argument begins. I have never even raised
my voice when l speak to her, and l have always treated her with respect,
but my patience is running thin. I am tired of having to pretend, and l am
tired of seeing her hurt my husband.
I am sorry that this letter is so long.
Kindest Regards,
- Dear worried daughter-in-law,
-
No need to apoligize for the length of your letter. It's a serious
matter and can't be jotted down in just a few words. You have given a
very good account of your feelings, though you seem unable to explain
the reason for your mother in law's true feelings. If this aspect of
your situation could be explored, everyone would benefit.
It seems that your very first encounters with this lady were not great.
You were young then and I can imagine lots of differences between you.
At that time you may have been too young to even try to see things from
her point of view, but now you are older, have known her for a while,
and should be able to understand her from a more mature point of view.
Your mother in law is aware of a language barrier. Well, since she is
Japanese, and I presume that you are not, then there certainly is a
language difference and also an enormous cultural difference. These do
not need to become barriers, but it looks to me as if this has been
allowed to happen. The only way to remove a barrier is for both parties
to go half way; this would mean that you would have to immerse yourself
in the culture of your husband's family, as fully as they have immersed
themselve in yours, simply by living in your country.
You tell me that she has been a problem for 13 years. Let us presume,
for the sake of coming to some sensible conclusion of this bad
situation, that in her eyes you have similarly been a problem to her for
all those 13 years as well.
Everything you say leads me to understand that she is not happy with
you, or with her son, for having married you. Maybe you and she will
never become really good friends, so perhaps you should stay away for a
while. Cut your contacts with her to as few as possible. Since she
doesn't like either of you, she shouldn't miss seeing you. Then, the
next time you do get together, make it very brief, and feign a headache
and get up and leave the very moment she begins to say anything cruel or
hurtful to either of you.
You are so very fortunate that your family likes your husband; and also
that your husband is supportive of your position regarding his own
mother. She seems to be a very self centered woman and has found it
possible to get sympathy from your husband, but that is ruining his
life. Don't answer the phone when she calls; it only upsets everyone.
You can arrange this with an answering machine. Just let her record her
message and don't phone her back. This should relieve your husband
because it is obvious that hearing from his mother is not good for his
health.
She is selfishly playing on his sympathy. This is a last resort of a
jealous mother in law. You can work away at trying to understand her
cultural needs, but I really don't think that particular Japanese woman
is typical. Her problems are more personal. If she is really sick, she
can get a doctor. She is younger than most of my children so I have a
hard time thinking of her as a poor little elderly woman who needs
support.
Now, if you think I've given contradictory advice, read this again. What
I'm suggesting is to study up on the culture, and even the language, of
your in-laws, and at the same time stay away from that one person who
makes you so miserable. Treat her like a perfect stranger until she is
able to treat you like family. Yours truly,
GG
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