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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
My granddaughter is 8 months old and I have never been asked to babysit,
although I have offered to watch her when her mother returned to work a
few days a week; take her for walks in her stroller; take both Mother
and baby shopping, or to the park, or visiting. My daughter in law always
makes some excuse when I call: the baby is sleeping-she's on her way
out-she has other plans, etc....Every time I go there (I stopped calling
first because of the excuses) she complains that she wishes I would call
first. "I was just passing by and will only stay for a few minutes", I
say.
The baby always makes immediate contact with me and never
cries---her mother immediately engages her and never lets me be with her
one-on-one. She'll pick her up and place her in her highchair and feed
her some cheerios, etc. and talk and stimulate her some way or other to
get her attention. I have confronted her directly by saying, "I would
like to spend one hour alone with her from time to time to bond with
her". She answers by saying, "Why do you need to be alone with her? I don't
feel comfortable with that. You are very confrontational and you are
upsetting me". And then she hung up the phone in my ear! She and my
son have been married three years. I am a 55 year old woman and have three
grown children, the oldest of which--a daughter--has been married for ten
years and no children!!! I have been waiting for this blessed event for
so long and have been the perfect mother-in-law--no criticisms, no
complaints, no suggestions--only complements and many gifts and offers
for-you name it! I spoke to my son and he feels she has the right to do
whatever she wants because her family is so terrific (in his eyes). Of
course, HER mother is the matriarch of the family and totally controls
all of HER three adult children. My daughter in law speaks to her on the
average of at least 8 to 10 times per day. She never calls here unless
she is looking for my son or wants something!! Am I the one who must
always bend over backwards and let her control the situation? It's been
three weeks since I heard her voice and I saw my grandbaby's smile. I
miss her terribly. My son has mentioned to me once, "I can hardly wait
til she's old enough to ride with me in my truck. My daughter seems to
curtail his involvement with her also. She is a day care teacher (23 Years
old). When I am there, she is constantly stimulating the baby and always
pushing her to learn more, do more. Sometimes I wish she would just let
the baby relax and just BE without expecting her to "perform". I have
been praying for a door to open, but the locks are many and it just seems
I can't find the right key. Tell me what you think! My girlfriend, who
also has a new grandbaby has the same problem with HER daughter in law!
(they don't know each other) What's going on with these new mothers????
- Dear new grandmother,
-
What's going on with these new mothers is that they feel challenged by
us old mothers. They have to prove to themselves that they are as good
as we were. They can't stand the thought that anything we could do would
be as great for their children as whatever it is they are doing. They
want their children to learn more, look smarter, be cleaner and more
beautiful, than anyone in the previous generation could have been.
They are competitive. They buy their children educational toys. Letting
their children play with a wooden spoon and some pan covers just doesn't
work for them (although that's what I did and two of mine are now
PhDs!) In the case of your own daughter in law, she apparently hasn't
the stamina to resist her own mother's insistence on being part of the
familly. Force of habit plays here - she spent her whole childhood under
her mother's influence. But she resists you and will continue to do so;
so why fight it?
Your grandchild, and any future ones that might arrive later, will know
they have a grandmother, on their father's side, when they are old
enough to know about such things. Their parents will eventually realize
that they must include ALL the grandparents in their children's lives.
But don't expect that to happen for a few years.
Your very best bet is to get together with those other friends you have,
whose grandchildren are being "protected" from them, and organize a life
of your own that doesn't include those infants. The time will come for
changes but right now you're just making yourselves miserable by trying
to fight those young women for the affection of their babies.
If indeed your daughter in law is talking ten times a day to her own
mother, she is in a very bad way. Perhaps you are exaggerating for
effect, but it still indicates a serious problem that can only be
resolved between her and her mother. Surely her mother recognizes an
unnatural dependency there and will gradually wean her daughter away
from this sign of immaturity. On the other hand, since she is still tied
to the apron strings of her own mother, I guess it's fortunate for all
concerned that her mother has the patience to put up with that. You
might think she is lucky to have all that attention, but I feel sorry
for her. I'd be going crazy if any of my daughters needed to keep in
that close touch with me all day every day.
Your young daughter in law will grow up. She thinks she knows everything
there is to know about raising children, because her job happens to be
in a day care center, but she has much to learn. People do mature
though, so have faith that it will happen to her. Don't feel sorry for
yourself because you miss that baby right now. You had lots of years of
babies, with your own children. Now it's not your turn, so just let
things ride along as that young mother thinks they should. Whatever she
is doing will be alright in the end.
If you can manage not to dwell on the situation and get some other
interests that make you too busy to spend time feeling sorry for
yourself, you'll be doing everyone a favour; especially yourself.
I hope you can manage that.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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