|
Return to Granny's Query index
Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
I am the third of four kids, and have always been "Daddy's girl". But now
that I am getting older, my father is beginning to drive me crazy. He is
EXTREMELY over-protective with me. He watches over every little thing I
do, invades my privacy, and has a tendency to ground me just to keep me
in the house and "safe". We live in a very small, safe town in the middle
of nowhere, but Dad still gets upset about me being out late. He and I used
to get along fine, but now that I am nearing the end of my teen years, we
have been "squabbling" a lot. We don't agree on anything, and he hardly
gives me room to breathe!
I don't think my dad realizes that I really am a good kid. Unlike other
kids at my age, I am not into drugs or alcohol, I have held the same
steady job for four years, and I'm on the A honor roll at school. My
friends (and boyfriend) share similar views.
My mom says that Dad is this way because he never had a father. But I
disagree. I have an older sister and an older brother, and my father was
never like this to them. Both their curfews were later than mine, they
were allowed to do more than I am, and he gave them both reasonable
freedom. I have never done anything to prove that I am a "bad child",
so why do I feel like he keeps treating me like one?
The other day when we were "squabbling", I shot off my mouth a little and
told my father that "I wasn't 10 anymore". His response to that was "Then
stop acting like it!!" Both my mother and my younger brother were in the
room at the time--both were amazed by what he said. Of all the children,
I am the most responsible for my age, and I am able to be trusted. I feel
like my father is the one who is acting like he is 10!
What is going on? And what can I do? I need help before he drives me
insane! Thank you.
- Dear protected teen,
-
Your father loves you. If one little outburst of "Then stop acting like
one" was enough to startle your whole family, then he must be a very
mild mannered person.
Expecting curfews and other management ploys to be the same among
siblings is unrealistic. You are NOT your sister. The world has turned
around many times since she was your age. And even if it hadn't, no two
people, and no two circumstances are alike. You do not live in the
middle of nowhere; you live in the middle of a very difficult world,
going through very difficult times. And if you think that the times are
hard on teenagers, just triple that difficulty when it is applied to
parents. He has much on his mind; his work, his marriage, his health,
dear knows what comnmunity, political societal and other concerns, and
four children! Give him space, he neeeds it.
Of course he is proud of your A average, and all your accomplishments.
Of course he trusts you and expects that you will never do anything to
disgrace yourself, or the family. But what he does not trust is the rest
of the world. He is hoping that you will be protected by whatever rules
he can impose for a few more years, until you are forced to take on the
full responsibility yourself.
His view of your ability to take on the responsibility for yourself may
differ from yours. Even your mother might have a different idea about
this matter, but in the long run, your father will have you on his
conscience for the rest of his life. If he doesn't do everything in his
power to protect you now, he will worry forever.
Don't deny him the satisfaction of doing his best by you now. Don't
resist his efforts to be the best father he can be. Coming home an hour
earlier than your sister and brothers do, and looking after yourself a
little more assiduously than they did, won't hurt you. The time will
come all too soon when you are off on your own, making every little
decision for yourself, and you will then be oh so terribly happy that
you learned the lessons your father is teaching you now. When there is
nobody else around to take care of you, it will be up to you to do it -
and there have to be some guidelines. That is what your father is
providing right now.
I could ask your father to be a bit more lenient but he wouldn't listen.
He knows what he thinks is best for you. He loves you. He has no
alternative but to take care of you in the way he thinks to be best.
There is nobody else to do that for him. The buck stops with him. He's
doing his utmost, even if you make it hard for him.
The young people who get into trouble and who lead miserable lives, are
the ones whose fathers gave up on them. Yours won't give up. He's tough.
Love him, recognize his unusual strength, and respect him for it. You're
one of the lucky ones.
Sincerely,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
|
