What is the best way to deal with a sensitive issue? My partner's 6 year
old daughter is struggling with her parents' separation 9 months after the
event. She talks to me readily, more easily than to her father, with whom
she has a fun-filled and very loving relationship. This is because she
'doesn't want to make Daddy cry'. Poor thing.
She lives with her Mother, 5 minutes from the home my boyfriend rents,
where we stay only when it's his night to have her - about 3 nights a
week. I own a home half an hour away where we are the rest of the
time. His daughter is bright and very affectionate towards me although recently
has intimated that she doesn't like him and me kissing, and has once pushed
us apart.
All understandable. I did a 4 year teaching degree, which finished 3 years
ago, when I specialised in children between the ages of 3 and 7. I am
skilled in dealing with children's issues, and have succeeded to resolve
small issues during the 4 months I have been part of her life, to explain
things clearly and in a way she'll understand, relieving any panic and
quelling growing misconceptions.
Now for the specific problem I'm having: She has always, throughout her
parents' marriage, been encouraged to share their bed. I am having trouble
with this now, as every night we have her she joins us in the middle of
the night.
I have avoided raising this issue, and my feelings about it, with her
father. Partly because he is going through his toughest ever time at work,
which is over in a fortnight, so I'm putting it off. Also, though, because
he said before I met her that he hoped I would let him raise her the way
he saw fit.
My strategy to date has been to go home. Quietly, and with no dramatics,
once they're asleep. More because I can't settle, and usually have work in
the morning, (which is what I communicate the next day) but also because
I'm so irritated, and hate myself for being so.
She used to use excuses to come into the bedroom, "Daddy, I'm hot", or "I
heard a noise" whereby he'd happily welcome her in, but last week was
probably honest. She said "Daddy, I'm on my own". I felt so sad for her.
This is the difficulty. I know she needs affection and heaps of reassurance,
all the more difficult with her Daddy so busy and her Mummy very sad
(and suffering from long-standing clinical depression). My heart
goes out to her. Should I, for now, butt out and remain silent?
Last night I got back as they were in the bathroom, getting her ready for
bed. I heard her ask in a worried way, "Daddy, can I still sleep in your
bed?" And he said in a gentle tone "Of course you can, darling" and put
her up. He said nothing to me until bedtime when he told me I could choose
where I slept, in my bed - with her, or in her single. I said I didn't mind,
so he went off to sleep with her, and half an hour later I went home.
I would be struggling less if I knew what my boyfriend was feeling and
thinking, but I don't, and am scared to raise the topic. What shall I do?
My proposed plan is to carry on accepting the situation and returning
home in the short term - giving her her Daddy, night and day. When we
move, which should be in the next few months I'm going to suggest we get
her a double bed so that he joins her, rather than her joining us. That
way I at least keep my bed and sleep well, she gets her Daddy, and she
will get used to us as a unit, I'll always be there in the morning. We are
planning to be together forever. I need to sort this out without causing upset.
What I can't get out of my head though, is that 6 is old to still be sleeping
with parents. I know there are no absolutes, but I believe it to be the case.
Is it good to encourage it? Am I wrong to feel she needs help to feel safe
and happy in her space - her room, rather than fleeing it - I just don't know.
I would so appreciate some help on this.
Your very first paragraph reveals a great deal about you. This is good,
because I must address myself to you. You seem to think that a child
should not still be struggling with the trauma of her parents' separation
after 9 months. She might never get over it. When she is an old lady,
some of her behaviour and understanding of people will still be under
the affect of that event in her early childhood. Children do not get over it,
they simply learn to live with it and since there is nobody who can teach
them how, they have to figure it out for themselves.
You also appear to surprised that her father is crying. Men DO cry. It
is not demeaning nor is it unusual. It is simply a fact. Because your
boyfriend's little daughter appreciates this fact, I like her already.
It bothers her to see you kissing her father so I hope you can
accommodate her by not doing this during the few days that you move into
the rented flat where she and her father can be together. You are wisely
using what you have learned about young children to help her through her
own problems; I hope you are seeing them through her eyes, and not
through the eyes of adults, specifically early childhood educationists.
SHE is the one who feels alone.
Sleeping with parents is common, and nothing to be worried about. Anyone
who suggests that it is bad for anyone is probably trying to justify
their own reasons for finding this inconvenient. Coming into bed with
one's parents is reassuring, especially for children who might have some
apprehensions -such as children who's families have split up.
As for him raising that child as he sees fit, of course he should. It
shouldn't be a matter for negotiation. That little girl is his daughter.
You, on the other hand, are his girl friend at this moment. You have
said you expect the arrangement to last forever, and I hope it does, but
still you are not that child's mother and never will be.
Now, about being irritated for your feelings. You have no cause to be
irritated with yourself. It really does upset you to find that little
girl in bed with your boyfriend so you simply go home. This is nothing
to be ashamed of. It puts the matter into his hands. If he can't stand
the notion of waking up and finding you gone, he will try to persuade
his child not to come into his bed. The matter will be between him and
his child. If he can handle that, he's an unusual man. Perhaps he will
just let things go along as they are until she is older. She will
inevitably change as she grows, and one of these days, sooner than you
imagine, she will not be crawling into bed with her father.
Your plans for her to have a bigger bed are fine, but don't be surprised
to find your husband abandoning you in the middle of the night to be
with her. Actually I think the scheme will backfire. In the long run, it
might be wiser to provide her with a lovely room of her own with all her
favourite things there - dolls, books, computer, whatever - and also
encourage her to invite school friends home to enjoy it with her. Let
her have a double bunker for friends who come for a sleepover, but keep
the double bed in your own room.
When you have set up this new home, if her presence in bed with you
causes you trouble, you'll just have to finish your neight's sleep on
the sofa. But I do think it would be a mistake to set up a situation
where your boyfriend will have to choose between sleeping with you or
sleeping with his daughter. It would be far better to leave the choice
to the child, because, I assure you, she will grow out of it.
Six years is not too old to be crawling into bed with parents. Children
of broken homes are typically more childish, even though we have all
heard parents tell us that their children grow up faster and are more
worldly wise under these conditions. That is simply not so. Their
development is arrested -but it will catch up, so be patient.
I wouldn't bring up the problem with this child's father if I were you.
It's already quite clear how you feel. Finding you gone in the morning
speaks louder than any words. Your disapproval will be less dramatic
when you simply pop onto the sofa, instead of actually leaving the
house. You might even adapt yourself to a point where you can actually
go back to sleep in the bed, with the child there with you. And once
more I repeat, your lovely little six year old friend will need that
midnight snuggle with her father less and less, until one day all she
will need will be a hug and a kiss, and then a good sound sleep, in her
own bed.
I hope you can find the patience to wait it out.
Truly yours,
GG
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