I am confused about my feelings toward my father. Last week he did
something to me that was deceptive and cruel. I was extremely shocked.
I know I could never do what he did to another human being. This type
of behavior I would accept from absolutely no one.
We have never gotten along or been close. He is not a nice person and
growing up, he was very intimidating and verbally abusive. When I
graduated high school I moved out and have never looked back. I have
tried for many years to ignore anything he said that bothered me because
confrontation with him is always a bad idea. I have always been advised
to maintain a relationship with my father because he's my father. I am
tired of taking the high road. I always feel so cheated letting him get
away with the horrible things he does.
My initial reaction, once I confirmed everything that happened, was to
tell him how he makes me feel and that I am ashamed that he is my
father. Then I want to tell him that until he can learn to speak to me
as an adult and treat me with respect, he is dead to me. I know if I do
that it will more than likely be our last contact because he will never
admit he did anything wrong. I personally don't have a problem with
that. I honestly believe doing that would be extremely liberating for
me. My dilemma is that through all that I have endured, I have always
been advised to maintain a relationship with my father because he is my
father. For many years I have, but I always hate letting him get away
with things because he never thinks he does anything wrong.
If it was anyone else on this planet besides my father that did this,
people would advise me to have no further contact. Why is it that
because it is my dad I am expected to just forget about it and act like
nothing is wrong?
Please advise. Thanks.
Who is telling you that you must put up with any sort of abuse from a man
just because he is your father? Whoever that is has been misleading you.
Is there really some person who expects you to just forget about his
wrongdoings and act as though nothing is wrong? I suspect that there is
nobody giving you this bad advice. I think these are just some thoughts
you have had in your own head, which keep coming back whenever you wish
you could summon the courage to reject him completely.
The man who is causing you such grief does just happen to also be your
biological father but that does not give him license to destroy your
life. If he has been breaking the law you have every right, and some
would say a duty, to accuse him in a court of law. But if that would
just add to your own misery and possibly ruin the lives of other family
members, you should at least cut off all contact with him.
The value of turning him in would be to prevent him from dealing with
others as he has dealt with you. To protect them from harm, it would be
best to have him apprehended now. But if the damage he has been doing to
you is not likely to be perpetrated on others, then you might as well
just distance yourself from him and forget it.
Nobody is going to think less of you for having turned your back on your
father, if indeed he is really ruining your life, as you suggest. If, on
the other hand, all his misdemeanors are in your imagination and he is
really only a doting, loving father being misunderstood by his daughter,
then you should talk it all over with someone close to the situation.
Perhaps you have already given him the benefit of the doubt, but if you
haven't, think about it. People's motives can be mistaken. Be sure you
know what his are.
And if you determine that he is up to no good but his own, stay as far
away from him as you can. You could tell him right out that you can't
ever see him again, but that might cause a fight that you don't need
right now. The best bet would be to just refuse invitations and never go
back.
You haven't mentioned other members of the family, but I hope if your
mother is there that you can manage to keep far from your father without
depriving her, or any others, of your company. You don't have to lose
the whole family. As the years roll by it's nice to have family members
around.
But if your father is as upsetting as you say he is, you'll just have to
arrange to be with the others when he is not present. This may not be
easy but it seems the only way.
Good luck.
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
