I have a dilemma about my daughters first birthday party. First some background.
My husband and I have been married 5 years. We are both 30 years old.
Hisparents have been divorced for 25 years. His father has been remarried
for 20 years. The divorce was a result of alcoholism. The alcoholism continued
into the first years of his father's remarriage. During this time, the father harassed
the mother. It went so far, according to my mother-in-law, of death threats. The
last time the two were together (and caused a scene) was my brother-in-laws
high school graduation 10 years ago. I have known my husband 6 1/2 years.
During that time his parents have been together for our wedding rehearsal,
wedding, and my brother-in-laws college graduation without any scenes.
Before I became pregnant, my husband and I talked about how we would
handle birthdays, Baptisms, and other events that would take place for our
child. We decided we would have one celebration. If either parent
couldn't get along, they should not attend.
My mother-in-law had been talking bad about my father-in-law every time we
talked on the phone. It was bothering me so I told her. She became very
upset. She said I didn't understand what had gone on. I told her I knew
everything my husband wanted me to know and left. I let her go on for an
hour and she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I told her
that I didn't want her to say these things around my daughter. I also said
that my daughter would have events that everyone would be invited to. She said
she couldn't be in the same room with my father-in-law. I said that she
would be missing out. She said she would have her own celebrations for
my daughter. I said no.
Well, she spoke to my husband and he told her she could have her own party
for our daughter. I am SO angry at him for backing down on a decision we
mutually agreed to and I'm not happy with his mother either. It has become
a rift between my husband amd me. He had double holidays as a child and
didn't like it so I cannot understand why he is doing this to our child.
I do not want to teach my child to let problems fester for 25 years. I don't
like the idea of choosing who will come to what event. That is unfair to
do to a child. I just do not like the example this will set for our child.
Am I totally off the wall? My daughters official birthday party will have
at least 30 people invited. It's not as if there will be 10 and the
in-laws will have to sit together. To top it off, my mother-in-law is
planning a big party also, inviting people we haven't seen since our
wedding. I think if she refuses to come to the official party, her party
should only include my husband, my daughter, she and myself. What are
your views? I'm really at a loss.
You don't need to teach your child that problems can fester for 25 years,
she'll find that out for herself. She will grow up with parents who
argue about THEIR parents and if you persist in inviting those two
grandparents to the house at the same time she will see them in action.
Her grandmother's anger towards her grandfather will not be missed. Even
very young children pick up on these things, no matter how many other
people are around. Remarks, looks, attitudes transmit feelings and the
littlest child will notice and be upset by them.
You are wise not to choose between those people. One never knows the
real reasons why an alcoholic loses control; pinning the blame is
useless. But the result is that those two people are incompatible so
don't try to be a fairy godmother and make it all right by insisting
that they must be together if they are going to be permitted by you to
enjoy their granddaughter.
You really don't want your lovely child to become another cause of
dissention between them. You can never mend the rift between them but
you surely don't want to deepen it, and to get your daughter involved..
Children love parties and if they are given with love there is no reason
why yours shouldn't have two. When your mother in law invites you to
her celebration, go to it with your daughter and have a great time. If
you fuss about it in advance and turn it into a big fight between you
and your husband, you're just adding to the problems that your dear
little child will have to bear. To have one's own birthday become a
matter for dispute among all the adults is a terrible burden for her. I
hope you'll get over all your bickering about it and change the mood
from misery and worry to one of enjoyment and celebration.
If your mother in law wants to give a party for all the milestones in
your child's life, go with the flow and enjoy her pleasure. Let it be
fun. As for your own celebrations, invite whom you please, and if that
includes your father in law, that will be great too.
If you have more children, this could turn into a lot of parties. If the
holding of parties is going to keep you angry with your husband I'm
beginning to worry about how you will be able to face real problams. Put
this one behind you. Get back into the frame of mind that created that
child in the first place. Do not allow such a trivial matter as a
birthday party turn into big family fight.
Forget those discussions you had before the baby was born. You were
trying to make decisions for people other than yourselves. You obviously
didn't realize how strongly your mother in law felt about possible
contacts with her ex-husband. No matter what you hear from her, or him,
or from your husband, you will never know the true story of their stormy
marriage. But because he upsets her so much I can't see anything to gain
by trying to force them to be in your house together.
You have an unusual expression in your letter. You call the party an
"official" birthday party. That's a new one on me. As far as I can see a
party is a party is a party - and there's nothing "official" about it
unless you are royalty and intend to proclaim a national holiday or
something! Have a party and let everyone there enjoy themselves; then
if someone else invites you to another party, even if it's to celebrate
the same event, go and enjoy yourselves there too. The main thing is
that your little girl must be allowed to enjoy herself too. Just because
your husband didn't like the double celebrations that his parents forced
on him, that doesn't mean that you all have to go on not enjoying extra
parties forever.
As far as I can see you are placing far too much importance on a
birthday party. Who ever heard of having 30 people to such an occasion,
including grandparents and dear knows who else? I'm feeling sorry for
your child already. Wouldn't she better enjoy icecream, one candle on a
cake, a birthday present and an afternoon of fun with one or two
children she likes. Why turn it into a demonstration? Why insist on
trying to show off your husband's parents being on their best behaviour
despite their obvious differences? Why invite any adults at all? How
about just a couple of little friends of the birthday girl?
Whatever you do, I hope your party is fun for the person you are
honouring; and I hope you also enjoy the party your mother in law is
planning.
Sincerely,
GG
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