I came across your internet site after reading about it in a column in
the Akron (Oh.) Beacon Journal. It is most insightful, and I am hoping
that you can shine some light on my current situation. It is similar,
but not exactly the same as a question I already read in your column.
I am 41 years old and have always been single. I have also always had
terrible allergies which worsen with each year. (These have not helped
my social life very much.) I currently work for a company which has no
future and thus I am very unhappy in my job. I also live in Ohio and
hate winters.
For these three reasons, I am very seriously contemplating a move to
Tucson. I have visited there and really like it, and it may, though it
may not, help my allergies. Only time would tell.
However, I also have an 82 year old father. My mother was ill for a long
time after a stroke, and passed away 1&1/2 years ago, and her "always
single" sister shortly after. This has been a big burden to me, and I am
just now finishing up with my aunt's estate. My brother, who lives in
Honolulu, has been of no assistance through the last few years (even
though he gets half my aunt's estate), and I have dealt alone with all
this with my father. On top of that, at the same time my mother was ill,
I was losing a lady in my life that had come to mean the world to me. We
became more than friends, and after about a year things blew up in my
face.
Needless to say, I feel that it is time to do something for myself. But
with my dad being 82 and alone, it is a very difficult decision to make.
Moving to Tucson could mean I don't see him again, or that he gives up
on life (he doesn't do much socially anymore).
Any ideas? I could sure use someone that could give an un-biased
opinion. I would greatly appreciate if you could email me a reply, and
you are free to post my note. Perhaps it will help someone else in a
similar situation.
You hate your job, you hate Akron, you hate winters, and you've lost
your girlfriend. What a sad story, I guess. These days having a job at
all is a lucky break though, don't quit without giving it a lot of
thought. I was in Akron once and had a great time. I love winter, find
it exhilerating, and you can always find another lovely lady, but I
guess none of this helps you; not at all.
You might be smart though to go find yourself a better job, and maybe
even a wonderful woman. If Tuscon appeals to you as a better place to
live, considering your allergies and all, go ahead. Sounds good to me!
As for your father, you have said, parenthetically, "he doesn't do much
socially anymore," That may well be because he's run out of the sort of
energy that it takes to keep up a social life. But it doesn't mean that
he's lost interest. He would probably just love to accompany you to
Tuscon. Why do you think that moving to Tucson could mean you won't see
him again, or that he will give up on life? Jeepers, he's four years
older than I am and I'll bet he's a whole lot smarter and I'm sure his
eyesight is better. Maybe he has trouble getting around by himself, but
surely you don't think he's about to expire, just because he's 82.
Suppose he's happy to stay by himself in Akron. That isn't so far from
Tucson that you couldn't come back and visit him often. But I'd far
rather see you both make the move together. If it turns out that he has
friends that he doesn't want to leave, then that's settled. He stays.
But you should make sure that you have room for him wherever you go, so
he can visit and also so he can move in if he wants to.
You have said that you think it's time for you to do something for
yourself. Have you been doing things only for others all your life thus
far? If so, join the real world. If you're not nursing your sick mother,
or working away settling estates, or worrying about your aging father,
or your lousy job, I wonder what you would be doing. I detect a bit of
self pity there and maybe before you make any move at all you should
come to terms with yourself.
Whenever there are estates to sort out, the bulk of the work is always
left to one person. If that person happens to be you, well, them's the
breaks! Don't sweat it, just get through it and thank your folks for
what they have left to you. That's what THEY earned, and from which YOU
will benefit. Don't waste time being jealous of the brother in Honolulu;
be glad you were able to help; enjoy your inheritance.
Don't worry about your father spoiling your chances for the great life
you expect in Tuscon. He won't. You will see to that. If you put your
mind to making things right for him, you'll be surprised how nicely
everything will work out for you. Whatever you do for him will actually
be doing something for yourself. It really will, as long as you never
fall into some stupid thoughts that it's unfair. I have no idea what he
did for you when you were growing up, but I can imagine. Whatever you
can do for him now is not in the way of paying him back, but just the
natural behaviour of a man towards his father. Having just lost his wife
must have left him devastated. I wonder if you really know how that
feels. Being his friend is the best thing in the world you could do for
him, and for yourself.
Well, my friend, those are my thoughts on this situation. I don't see it
as a problem, just as a point in your life where a decision must be
made. Don't complicate it by thinking that your father won't want to go
along with you. Just tell him you're going and that you want him to come
along. Make sure that the move won't be physically draining on him. Just
thinking about a move when you're old can be so tiring it seems
impossible; believe me, I know. But if you are going to take the brunt
of the responsibility and do all the physical work involved, he'll be
less reticent.
In the end, it must be his choice, but don't make him think what he
decides must be final. Leave it open ended. He could come with you now
and go back later. He could stay in Akron now and move out to you later.
Nothing needs to be permanent. Hang loose, don't get too serious about
it, don't talk about never seeing him again, or anyone giving up on
life. 82 is not the end of the world, it can be a great part of life.
I wish the two of you many more years of enjoyment.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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