My husband and I live in Virginia. For a year and a half, we were the sole
supporters of four children, ranging from the ages 5 - 19 (My husband has
two, 16 and 19 and I have two 6 and 7, now). Lois, John's 19 year old
daughter, will be 20 years old in Nov. Last month, she moved to Minn. to
live with her mother and already wants to move back in with us. The problem
is that when she lived with us, she made our lives miserable. She ran up
excessive phone bills which she refused to pay for, she ran around with 13
year olds, drinking and allowing them to drink, she was having sex with any
and everyone who would have sex with her, she was heavy into drugs, she would
bring people to our house who would steal from us..and she would let them,
she was always trying to pit John and I against each other, she would have
the cops (or some irrate parents) at our door twice a week, every week,
without fail. She refused to help around the house with chores and she
refused to contribute financially (she's out of school and working
part-time...about 25 to 30 hours a week), she would steal money from our
bedroom, wouldn't knock when John and I were in our bedroom...she would
justwalk on in, etc.
John was having to take nerve pills every day because of
her and the things she did and we just don't want or need that added stress
back in our lives. Every time we would try and talk to her about it, we
would be told that "it's her life and she'll do whatever she wants to" and
"we need to mind our own business".
She claims that things will be different
but neither one of us thinks that she had any time to change. John's
ex-wife, Marjorie, can't wait to shove her back into our laps because of the
turmoil that she's caused already..including friction between Marjorie and her
significant other but we feel that it's Marjorie's turn to take care of Lois
for awhile as we still have three other kids at home. Both Lois and Marjorie
are trying to make us feel guilty for saying no and continue to pressure us
to say yes. It's causing quite a problem here.
What would you do in the
same situation? Is there any way that we can continue saying no without
being made out to be the bad guys? I really don't think I could take Lois
moving back here with all the hardships that come with her. John feels the
same way but also feels bad about saying no as I do. I think that we are in
a no win situation and Marjorie should know better....but she's already proven
that she's selfish when she left everyone behind two years ago to pursue her
own life and needs..(she decided that after 20 years of marriage that she was
a lesbian and is currently living with her girlfriend...who happens to be two
years older than Lois). Is there any way out of this situation or do we just
have to spend the next few years suffering like we did the last year and a
half? Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
It is true what they say about children of divorce; they do have a
difficult time adjusting. These days that covers such a large portion
of the child population that we tend to forget that it's still difficult
for them.
No matter why parents break up, the children carry guilt. I can't
explain why, but they just do. Also they instinctively wish their
parents would get back together again. Even if logic tells them it
would be worse than being apart, the children always wish in the secret
parts of their hearts, that their parents could reunite and the family
would be back as it was when they were babies.
That being said, it does not excuse your stepdaughter's behaviour. I
don't know why you didn't call in the police to apprehend her when she
was serving liquor to minors, stealing money, doing drugs, and
otherwise breaking the law. Now she's living elsewhere, maybe her mother
will do her the favour of getting the law in to stop her before she gets
into deeper trouble.
She definitely needs help of a sort that you and your husband are not
able to provide; and she needs that help right now.
There are a couple of things that might happen. She could find a man, or
a woman, to go away and live with, but that would not be the end of your
involvement. She would bounce right back to your doorstep the minute
things went wrong. She could also draw her own sister into her evil ways
and ruin her life along with her own. She could stay with her mother,
thereby making her life miserable, as she was making yours before she
left.
What to do??? Well, for one thing, this 20 year old young woman is the
daughter of your husband. If he is a good man he will take that
responsibility seriously. He will take her into his life, give her a
great deal of attention, help her in every way he can, and love her
unconditionally, as a father should always love his children. He will
throw away his nerve pills and spend the money on her.
Perhaps he has not spent enough time while she was growing up to make
her know she is loved and that she is important and worthy. Perhaps he
has not found the good in her and drawn it out. Now that you have chosen
to be his wife, you could cast yourself into the role of being a good
step-mother and find what is good about her. You know very well that
despite all the terrible things she does, there IS some good in her.
Find it, tell her about it, and nurture it.
She wants another chance. I say, give it to her. And when she comes back
into your house sit down with her on the first day and write down some
ground rules. You cannot change her character so don't try. But you CAN
set some rules. And you CAN see to it that her father has time with
her, to make up for time lost. And you can be sure that your problems
with her don't take you away from the energy you have for the other
three children. Never let them feel that the way to get attention is to
be troublesome, like her.
So there's my advice. Yes, give her another chance. I see little hope
for her with her mother. People DO change - but they have to do it
themselves. Nobody else can do it for them. All you can do is accept the
possibility.
Good luck,
GG
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