My husband and I have worked many years to become comfortable
financially. Our problem is this; our grown children think we should be
contributing to their income because they haven't as much money as we
do. One daughter is not speaking to us now because we took her and
three others in her family out to dinner for her birthday. We allowed
her to choose the restaurant, but we did not give her any money this year
for her birthday. She has been very chilly since.
My birthday was eight days after hers. She called my birthday morning,
wished me a happy birthday and said when she got time she would get a
card out to me.
Another example is when I asked by oldest grandson, who is eleven,
to help me mow the lawn since my husband has been working seven days a
week. He came and we shared the mowing of the lawn. I gave him $5.00
for helping. My daughter called the next day to tell me that my
grandson was very unhappy. I told her that since we pay $75.00 for his
karate that I thought it was plenty. My grandson later called to tell
me that the $5.00 has been fine with him, but his parents had a
conversation about it, and apparently decided it wasn't.
I am beside myself. I want a good relationship with my children but
cannot accept that they only call when they need money, a babysitter or
something else done for them. I NEED ADVICE on how to maintain a
relationship with them without having to give in to their every whim.
Forget birthdays. Send a card if you feel inclined but don't get into
the business of trying to pay what someone else thinks is fair for a
birthday gift, meal, karate lessons or whatever.
And for goodness sake don't fret about what SHE sends you, or doesn't
send you. Who cares? It's just another day on the calendar. Let it slip
by. After all nobody has done anything specially praiseworthy on their
own birthday - it's just a promotion for Hall Mark cards or the candy
makers.
As for paying for the grandson's karate lessons, that's your choice.
Also YOUR choice is what you pay him to help you mow the lawn. I think
he was thrilled to help you and also to get the five dollars. If his
parents want more, they should send him out to mow the neighbour's lawn
and demand ten dollars!
Your big problem here seems to be that you feel your own children do not
appreciate how hard you two have worked to build up whatever savings you
now have. They only see it as money that they hope to get their hands on
one way or another. Chances are that in the job market today they don't
feel very secure. They figure you had it easy in a time when people kept
their jobs and could look ahead to raises in pay, or increased profits,
if you're in your own business. They will never know anything about the
way your generation had to scrimp and plan and save and do without, just
to assure yourselves of a nest egg to last you all your life.
It's your life and it's your hard-earned money. Keep track of your own
savings. If you give your children, and their children, presents, meals,
anything at all, don't feel you are doing it as a duty, but as a special
gift - and then forget it. Now, you will say, they will resent your
"greediness."
Sure, they might wish for more. They want to share your wealth. Well,
they will be very happy in a few years when you are retired and have no
more earned income, that you will be independent.
I think the hardest thing for some families to do is to make a firm
decision to be separate - generationally. The old folks - that's you -
must have their own lives. You must not be called upon to babysit and
you must not be expected to be lavish on birthdays, or pay your
offspring for helping you. If they don't want to help you, hire the
neighbour's kid. (But I'll bet you that fiver that your grandson will
leap at a chance to help you mow the lawn next time, and not ask for a
higher wage.)
Your children will set up their own routines and establish their own
birthday practices. That's THEIR family. You and your husband are a
different and distinct family, and have been ever since the kids left
home and set up their own families.
Continue to invite them, when it suits you, and don't talk about money
or things that money can buy. It bothers them, apparently, to hear about
the "lavish" way you are now able to live, so don't dwell on it. There
are other things to talk about. Find out about school issues. Talk
politics. Urge them to tell you all about what is important in their
lives - their work - their health - their holidays - their hobbies.
Make your times with them be a time for telling stories of the early
days, telling jokes, finding enjoyment in the lighter side of life. If
the conversation turns to your current wealth, change the subject.
Laugh.
You and your children have to find a way to avoid unpleasantness and get
onto a nice relationship. You can't do this if you're always at
eachother. Stay away for a while and make the coming back together a
memorable and pleasant occasion.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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