Being a mother of two sons nobody wanted a daughter more than I. I
welcomed my son's wife into our close, communicative family with open
arms.
But things changed over the last two years.
We have given them all they ask for. They borowed money for a down
payment on a house, we help them with all they requested. My son is
thankful but she is demanding and disrespectful.
No I am not a jealous mother, I know I have my faults. I vowed to never
give baby advice. I know I become defensive and snap back when she talks
angrily to me. As time goes on I have become more and more intolerant as
to her behaviour. I want more than anything to have my close, happy
family we had in the past with her as a part of the family. But she says
they have their own family now. Help what do I do????
Wannaa Be Grandma Arlene
P.S. We have tried many times to discuss this with them. It ends in
anger.
You ARE a grandma, and nothing can change that. As the children grow older
they will always know you as their grandmother. And they will love you
because you are a communicative and friendly person who cherishes family.
This will be obvious to them as they grow up in their family, which also
includes you.
The problem you are causing for yourself is in expecting your daughter in
law to "join" in your family, while she has been raised in different
circumstances which obviously has not been the same sort of environment
that you provided for your sons.
While your son is grateful for the help you give him, it seems that his
wife just takes it all for granted. While your son "tolerates" your own
behaviour towards him because it is what he has become accustomed to, and
because he loves you, she does not share those same sentiments.
You have to come to grips with the simple fact that she is NOT the
daughter you always wanted. She is somebody else's daughter, raised in a
totally different way. Nevertheless, she must be a genuinely lovely person
for your son to have chosen her to be the mother of his children. You
could try your darndest to appreciate whatever character traits she
possesses that attracted your son.
You have wisely decided not to give them advice on raising their children.
That kind of advice can spell doom to any sort of a sensible mother-son,
or mother-daughter-in-law relationship. Of course you know how to look
after children. You may have made mistakes along the way, we all do, and
by those mistakes you have learned a lot. You could probably write a book
about how to do it right. But your son and his wife have to learn all
those things by trial and error, by themselves. There is no way to pass
along your wisdom without endangering your relationship.
I have read somewhere that humans are the only animals who can learn by
other people's experience. I have yet to see proof of that fact. Read
history! This may seem to be off topic but I don't think it is. We don't
learn by others' experience, and also we don't take advice easily.
For instance - you snap back when she is angry. Try not snapping back, and
see if her anger dissipates. Try saying you're sorry - no great abject
apology, just a quiet, "oh, I'm sorry" and get on with whatever you were
doing. And instead of letting yourself get less and less tolerant of her,
try being more and more tolerant. Put up with the nonsense and get on with
what you are doing.
There, now, that's my advice. You will NEVER change her into being your
daughter because you didn't raise her. I don't think her parents totally
failed, they just didn't make her into the sort of daughter you would have
had. But, dear friend, she is NOT your daughter. She is your son's wife.
And THAT is the relationship you should consider to be the most important
to everyone concerned.
Yours very truly,
GG
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