I expect that little girl has heard so many lies during her 14 years that
she has come to accept them as normal. The easiest way to slide
comfortably through life, when telling the truth is inconvenient, is to
tell a lie. Little lies such as we encounter every day don't matter
anyway, so we might as well embellish the truth all the time and make
things go smoothly.
If I don't want to do my homework, just tell mother I didn't have any
assigned. If I want my friends over and mother tells me they must not
come, just tell her they didn't So what's the big deal? The adults tell
lies all the time; why shouldn't we do the same.
Eventually the lies catch up with us and everything gets confused because
we've forgotten who we told which lie to. We all know about that. Telling
the truth is really the easiest way to go because then you don't have to
remember what you said. When you tell a lie you have to keep it in your
mind so that everything else you say will fit the lie. This gets more and
more difficult, the further along you get with your lying. We tell the
children all this, and sometimes they listen. But often they don't because
they are rehearsing in their minds what they will say next; and if it's
going to be another lie, they have to figure out how to get away with it
easily.
That's the whole reason for lying isn't it - to make life easier. Wouldn't
it be a whole lot easier in the first place if mother would welcome the
children's friends into her home, and if she would leave the child to
manage her school work herself? If she gets into trouble at school, or
fails the course, or the year, well, that's that.
Trusting your child to entertain friends in your own home may seem to be a
big step, but when you think about it a bit, wouldn't you rather have them
there than messing around at some corner cafe. Your home is their home
too. It is supposed to be the best place in all the world for them to do
what they want to do, AND have their friends in. They are not going to do
anything worse in their own home than they would do somewhere else.
All the above is intended to encourage the child's mother to accept her
child's telling lies and make it less and less necessary for her to do so.
But I don't think you, as the mother's boy friend, can expect to have much
impact here. The relationship between the mother and daughter has been
established for 14 years. You are coming into the group, already worried
because you think the child is retarded, and not understanding why she
would tell lies. You say your friend is at her wits end. Well, that may
be. Raising a child is not easy and she's been doing it for a long time.
Maybe actually it's you who are at "wit's end" - and the problem might not
be the child, but the problem might just be that your girlfriend spends
most of her time and energy looking after her daughter and has little time
left for you.
I hate to come right out and suggest that you are jealous of this little
girl, but you should consider this as a possibility. If you were the
father of the child, and the husband of the mother, you would not be so
alarmed at how much attention that child needs, but coming in from the
outside, as the younger boyfriend of this mature women who is seriously
engaged in the problems of raising a teen aged girl, you could naturally
feel a bit left out of it all.
If you want to remain friends with that lady, I would think the best
course of action for you would be to keep right out of the child-raising
project. Get to know the little girl on a friendly basis. Take an interest
in whatever interests her. If you intend to become a permanent member of
her family, treat her as a friend, not a problem. Don't ever try to
discipline her, or scold her, or catch her in a lie. Kids tell lies.
Accept it. And accept her. Don't intervene when her mother is involved. Be
a friend to them both and don't try to solve their difficulties with
eath other.
When you are with the mother, alone, and if she really does want the
conversation to be about her problems raising the child, just listen,
don't preach. And don't even let it develop into a big thing - mothers
always have to vent to someone about their children. That is normal. And
if you want to maintain a good relationship with the mother, don't go on
and on about how dreadful the child is. I don't mean you should trivialize
the mother's complaints, but just don't let yourself become a judge.
Listen but don't judge.
You must be a friend to them both, or you will be a friend of neither.
Truly yours,
GG
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