I think she will have to learn that lesson outside your home. And she
will. And it will break your heart when you see her finding out the hard
way that she has to give a little to get along in this world.
As for her brothers, you will see in the very near future that she will
change her attitude towards them. At their present age she is queen of the
castle and they really have no way to get her off their backs, so to
speak. It's too bad she has no respect for them because a time will come
when she will need them. Brothers can be such a blessing; she just hasn't
realized that yet. When she is 24 and her brother is 21 you will see a
vast change in her attitude towards him.
Unfortunately it is impossible for her to imagine ever respecting those
boys right now. I wish I could make some great suggestion that would
change your daughter but I really can't. All you can do right now is to
make sure you don't reinforce her when she is putting down those boys. Be
sure that their achievements are given lots of attention in the family. Be
sure she is aware of what they are doing that is worthy. And at the same
time make sure you don't forget to give her lots of praise for whatever
she does that is good too. In other words, try to build a mutual
admiration siciety right in your own home.
Every single time she shouts at her brothers, or at you, tell her she must
stop at once. Do not let her get away with that sort of behaviour. And as
for thinking she is smarter than everyone else, you should point out to
her that she is wrong. There may be some things she knows that the rest of
you don't know, and that is to be expected. After all, she IS 14 years old
and is expected to have learned a few things by now. But you also have
learned a great deal and have had much more experience so your judgment
can be expected to be better than hers. Tell her that, often.
Do not let her have the last word about people around her being stupid.
Every time she makes any such remark, tell her she is wrong. Don't argue
with her about it. Don't get into a shouting match. Just tell her she is
wrong and if she demands more, tell her she will have to find out by
herself and that she will know what you mean when she is your age and has
a daughter of her own.
You actually have a great advantage because you know you are right, and
she is obviously terribly insecure. All this "attitude" is a cover up for
her own fear of not being able to control everyone around her. Try as hard
as you can to treat her like the adult she almost is. But at the same
time don't let her continue to lord it over her brothers.
You might also talk with your 11 year old son and try to help him find out
what it is about him that bugs her so much. It might just be pure and
simple jealousy. See if you can get him to be nicer to her - even if he's
not doing anything wrong, there might be something he could do to make her
happier when he's around.
Not much help I'm afraid, but I'm putting myself in your place, and these
are some of the things I would do. Maybe you could let her read this
letter and she could help you solve her problem. Be sure she knows it is
HER problem, but that since it affects the whole family, she should help
solve it. She must be terribly unhappy to be so rude to everyone. With
your help, she might find out what makes her unhappy, then you can work
with her to make things better.
I hope this helps. Anyway, remember that she WILL grow out of this
eventually. All you need is endless patience - but then that's what
parents are supposed to have - endless patience and unconditional love.
Yours truly,
GG
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