(I met and married my husband when both he and I each were going through some very difficult
times personally. The first five years of our marriage were hell and ended with a seperation that
lasted 4 months and talk of divorce. But we got back together, have worked things out, fall more
in love everyday, and are now approaching our 11th anniversary with three beautiful children to
boot.
My husband's relationship with his parents is rocky at best and he still has many issues with them
both. He recently addressed his father with some of the issues and they are making an attempt to
build a relationship. He thinks his mother is shallow and sees no hope of having a meaningful
relationship with her and has written her off. He treats her nicely when she's around but
recognizes how petty she has behaved and doesn't appreciate her treatment of me.
My problem is with my mother in law. I just don't like her and the feeling is probably mutual.
She (in my unprofessional opinion) has very low self esteem that leads to a thousands of nasty
little personality traits. She has bad mouthed me to every member of my husbands family (we
know this because several of them have addressed me trying to help the situation) saying
that I'm mean to her and treat her badly. She has to comment on everything that is said regardless
of if she knows anything about it or not and will actually repeat back to you what you've just said
to her in an effort to have something to say and she does this all the time. (I was telling her
about a problem my son was having that she knew nothing about and she started telling
me about his problem repeating back to me what I had just said, I thought there was an echo in
the room.) She does everything that she can to not allow my husband and his father to not have
any alone time together including getting on an extension when they are talking on the phone and
preventing them from going off by themselves. (She will actually make them move so she can sit
between them and pouts if they disclude her.) An animal lover, she pays more attention to my cat
when she visits, then all three of her delightful and very well behaved grandchildren. When we
visit her, she spends the entire time chasing her menegire around and fussing over her pets. She
lies constantly about things that have absolutley no importance. She constantly says that she will
do things and then never follows up from buying things to babysitting to inviting us over. She
refuses to write or send cards and has not bought anyone including my son, myself, and my
children a gift in at least five years (all cards and gifts come from my father-in-law). This is just
the tip of the iceberg.
Because of issues that I was dealing with I have not always behaved with great grace and tact
when dealing with her. For that I am extremely sorry. Now I have to move ahead. My husband
is an only child and his father is ten years older then his mother (she's just 53) so I foresee many
years of us having to put up with her. I have made many positive changes in my life and am
looking for a way to lovingly deal with her while not letting her manipulate my husband or run
my life.
The main problem that I have with her is that I just plain dislike her so much because of the nasty
history and the negative personality traits (the only good thing about her is that she birthed the
man I love and believe me I've tried to find others with no luck). I get physically ill at the
thought of having to be around her and it took me a week to recover from her recent 71 hour
visit. I tried to stay emotionally detached from the situation to keep from getting upset and while
I did maintain my cool while they were here I was still a wreck.
I have in the past tried to talk to her about how I feel and tried to include her in our lives (she
always oversteps her boundaries or shows no appreciation). On my not so good days, I have
been distant, made no effort to see or include her, have tried to bring up issues I have with her in
not so nice ways.
My husband and father-in-law deal with her by smiling and nodding a lot and by agreeing with
her and doing what it is she wants. She is very manipulative. But I have a very hard time sitting
silently by while she prevents my husband from talking to his dad, keeps trying to win the
affection of my husband from me, and ignores my children.
What I want is to be able to deal with her effectively and kindly. I want to clearly define where
her rights end and mine begin and if she refuses to respect those rights I want to say so as nicely
as I can.
I always thought that my mother-in-law would be this great person who would be a great friend.
I feel so sorry that I ended up with someone who I can barely tolerate. Any advice on how I can
enjoy her while keeping her in her place would be greatly appreciated.
Suzy
If you want to know how to keep your mother in law "in her place" you have come to the wrong
person. That very expression "in her place" turns me off totally. What is anyone's place in this
world? What is YOUR place?
You don't like this woman, and I have the feeling you never will like her. You just don't have it
in you to include such a different type of person among your friends, even if she happens to be a
member of your family. Every thing about her bothers you, so why don't you just keep as
far from her as possible. When she comes to your house, be busy in the kitchen or the garden, or
have a headache and go to bed. When you have to be in her house, take along a good book and
bury yourself in it.
If she pays more attention to her pets than to your children, don't even notice. When they get
older they will decide for themselves if they want to go and visit their grandmother but for now I
imagine it's not their choice. And maybe they enjoy their grandfather so don't worry how she
interacts with them.
If she needs to "get between" her son and her husband, just ignore it. You have said that you and
your husband fall more in love with each other every day - so don't be jealous of his mother.
Your remark that she is only 53 so you foresee many years of "having to put up with her"
suggests to me that you wish she were older and therefor probably die and get out of your way
sooner. That's too bad you have that attitude. She may be forgetful, love cats more than your
children, repeat what you say to get your attention, and listen in to phone conversations, but
those are not mortal sins. She still deserves to live a long and pleasant life and as her one and
only daughter in law you might try to think up ways of making it more pleasant for her.
From everything you have said, she seems not to be a very happy person and I don't see any
evidence that this bothers you. Now that you have gone through the process of getting over a
difficult time with her son, and have come through it with flying colours, I think you can do the
same with his mother. It's just a matter of trying to analyze what the real problem is. You do not
like the lady - but that's not enough reason to make your whole life miserable.
Turn over a whole new leaf. Don't try to find something about her to like because you've tried
that and couldn't. So try, instead, to find ways within yourself that you can first tolerate, and then
cope pleasantly with, the woman that she is. You will be doing your husband and his father a
tremendous favour if you can manage this. Do it as though you were acting a part in a play. When
you have practiced it for a while you will become the character you are playing. I promise you
that it will work. Then everyone around you will benefit - and especially yourself.
Very truly yours,
GG
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