My husband and I returned today from a visit with our grandchildren, ages 3
mo and 3 yr very worried about them. Their parents are both
college-educated, and my son in law has a master's degree. Their jobs are
fairly
good for the area. You would not know this from visiting their home. It is
messy and dirty much of the time. No newspapers come into the home, and the
TV watched is innane. It's almost like they have decided to be as
anti-intellectual as they can be.
Both adults are quiet, shy, and have low self-esteem. Our son in law is
passive-aggressive, but as far as I know hasn't physically abused our
daughter, although he is quite unpleasant to her sometimes as he is rude to
other family members at times. I truly don't believe he knows how to
interact with people. Our daughter is loyal and true-blue, and would never
consider backing out on the deal she made with this marriage. We would never
bring it up. I have mentioned counseling and parenting classes, but to no
avail.
First, they don't talk to the children. All four of them can be in a room,
and it will be deathly quiet for long periods of time. The 3-year old girl
was very late in talking, and even now is not easily understood by others.
Words are not repeated to her so she can hear them said correctly.
Discipline is not consistent. If Susie whines, she usually gets her way. She
was a real mess this week, throwing tantrums, whining, clinging, crying.
This is when one of her parents are around. When we are alone with her, she
is fine. We have lots of fun.
Outward signs of affection aren't often used, especially by the father.
Susie is the only child I've known who doesn't want her boo-boos kissed. She
also doesn't like to cuddle up to read; although she loves books, she will
sit apart from you unless you really work on it, which the parents don't do.
Then, she is painfully shy, to the point of hiding behind her mother if
anyone says hello, even people she knows. She even does this with us, even
when she has seen us in the past 2 weeks.
I might add that we live 2500 miles away from them. We are fairly near them
now for a few months due to a problem with our parents, and have seen the
family once a month or more for the past 4 months. Every summer, we babysit
for 3 weeks. Our daughter has to work to support all the expensive toys her
husband has.
We stifle ourselves on saying things that our daughter will see as critical.
Instead, we turn ourselves inside out showing by example how to talk to the
kids, play with them, think of neat ideas of places to go (not just
shopping!), how to cuddle and love them. It has made no impression. The baby
is being treated just like his sister. Our daughter holds him and looks at
him. The son in law is usually too busy with his own hobbies.
We think that if Susie is still showing such signs of unhappiness this
summer when we babysit, we will be compelled to have a serious talk with our
daughter about our concerns. We could never talk to our son in law--if we
said
anything to him, he would do the offending behavior just to be spiteful. He
is extremely immature.
Does anyone have any ideas how we can help these children? I know this is a
long message--but we're so concerned. Thanks for any ideas.
You have done what you could for those children. You have raised their
mother in the best way you knew how, and you have been acting in a friendly
and warm manner when you are with them. They will eventually come to realize
that sociability is pleasant, but probably will not find it in their own
home, unless it is with eachother when they are a bit older.
The effects of growing up in a home where people don't communicate, where
there is no hugging and cuddling, little conversation, and no reading
together are long lasting. There is hope that when the children go to school
they might come under the influence of some warm-hearted teachers, or will
find schoolmates with whom they will be able to experience real friendship.
And they will always have you, even thousands of miles away, to relate to
when they really need someone close in whom they can confide. Keep in touch.
The real losers will be their own parents; but it seems to me that they are not
really interested in having a family of their own. From your description, I
don't think they even like children.
Their marriage may be shaky too, and since the mode these days is to abandon
a marriage if it isn't perfect, it might not last very long anyway.
Confronting your daughter with her problems will solve nothing. She
knows that her family life is not as it should be. Also she knows that you
know and that it worries you. Talking about it might just make it worse,
unless she brings it up herself.
Be proud of your daughter for standing behind her husband. You could help
her by doing the same. You can also help by never mentioning what goes on in
their home when the children are with you. Don't question them about it.
Don't even refer to it. Just have a great time with them but don't lecture
them about how they should be doing these things at home too.
Find other things to chat with your daughter about, other than her failure
as a mother and her need for councelling. Be warm and friendly to her, as
you would like her to be to her children. And even if you deem her husband
to be a slob, and their housekeeping skills to be lacking, just bite your
tongue and don't mention it.
Since there is really nothing you can do, at this staage, to change your
daughter or her husband, your only contribution to that household is to help
them have pride in their own little family. Criticism doesn't help at all in
circumstances like these. Your grandchildren are fortunate to have you in
their lives; so make the most of those occasions and don't risk a permanent
rift by trying to interfere with their parents.
Finally, please know that you are not alone in your dilemma. Grandparents
around the world have the same feelings. Our children all raise their
children differently than we did and of course we think we did it better.
And our parents were sure that we were doing it all wrong too. That's human
nature.
Yours truly,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
