I'll be getting married soon, but I am worried about how things will
work out with my to-be in laws. My future Mother-in-law is a wonderful
woman, but my future husband believes that she is a saint. He stands
behind her no matter what due to his alhololic father, but this results
in even small issues getting blown out of hand. No comment, that even
might be precieved in any way as critical is tolerated. I understand
they have a good relationship, and think it's wonderful. But at times
its tough. It's hard when talking normally about a person is not
allowed, and I don't like the idea that his mother is a saint that no
one will ever live up to.
For example, the latest is that she calls nearly every morning to
talk
to him from his car phone. This has prevented my calls from getting
through many times, or prevented us from doing things on time in the
morning when we had wedding related appointments. I asked if this would
continue when we were married, and he became extreamly angry. Any idea
how to handle this problem and the larger one? Will this subside to any
degree when we're married?
No, it will not subside. You have to decide right now whether you want to be
married to a man who sanctifies his mother, or not. When you have children
she will know what's best for them, and he will agree with her no matter how
you feel about it.
That might not be so bad though. You will never have to go to a third person
for advice because your mother in law will have it ready for you, and you
will simply have to follow her advice because if you don't, your husband
will be angry with you.
Do not ever expect him to "side" with you if you have a difference of
opinion, and remember you must never criticize her, ever. If you think I'm
imagining a situation that can't become a reality, you are wrong. This world
is full of people who either go along with their mothers in law, or fight
them to the end. The ones who take the easy route, just letting the mother
in law rule their world, have the easier lives. The ones who do battle
forever, trying to prove that they are as good or better than their
husbands' mothers, have a terrible time of it.
You just can't win, so don't try. She may not be right, but that's not the
point. She is revered by your husband, who obviously believes that she is
the greatest woman in his life. Accept that fact, or don't marry him.
You cannot change either of these people, so live with them the way they are
or find another family to become a member of. Remember that when you bring
children into the world, these children will also be members of THAT family,
not yours. You do not make the rules here, they do.
But if it's just a matter of who gets to him on the cell phone first, why
don't you quit phoning him and do your planning face to face when you get
together. I think his mother needs him desperately and might be afraid she
will lose him when he gets married. What can you do right now to reassure
her that she will always be part of his life, now, and forever? Think of it,
and come up with some innovative way of getting that across to her.
If you love that man a great deal, you can overcome his "sainted" mother
complex. Say nothing, ever, that might seem to be critical. You can do that,
and remember to keep it up all your life - and pass it along to your
children.
Good luck with this task. Many others manage, and so can you.
GG
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