I am at my wits end with my brothers children. They are now 10 1/2 and 13
years old. Both boys and both extremely smart (in more ways than one).
The 13 year old has a disorder, touretts. He talks back, is rude and very
disruptive. The other either has the same disorder or is just trying to
be like his brother. They are both very annoying to adults and sometimes
other children. They are very competitive with each other. Every time
one is talking to someone or doing something with someone else, the other
jumps in and starts ridiculing him and saying "Your just trying to show
off". I can't even explain some of the rude behavior by both.
I dearly love my brother. We were very close when growing up in a somewhat
dysfunctional family (There were 3 girls and 5 boys in our family). We had
it tough and all of us remained very close until he had children. They are
the topic of conversation after a visit. I don't like it when we all say
things about them. I feel sometimes that we are not very patient
with them, but they have tried my patience to where I have told them (the
children) in frustration and anger that I would never come to visit them
again.
I felt awful after I told them that. (It was an extremely
frustrating visit) I felt I reverted to childlike level. I really want
to be patient with them but it's hard.
My brother and his wife did not raise them to say yes sir, no sir, so when
they misbehave it makes them seem more disrespectful than most. Everyone
has corrected, scolded and sometimes even spanked their kids (not in an
unjustified situation), so my brother feels that they are being picked on
and that the family does take into consideration the illness and does not
make a special effort to have patience with them. Maybe he is right. (Also
other people who are not in the family have commented on their behavior.) I
would like some suggestions as how I can better handle them when they visit.
I hate that it has made me stop visiting him. Please! Do you have any
suggestions.
Here is a suggestion: leave them to their own parents.
Touretts is a great deal harder to cope with for the people who have this
disease, than for their aunts and uncles, however well meaning these
relatives may be. Your nephews suffer constantly, especially when they are
with the people in their family who are embarrassed because of them.
The competitiveness and smart alecky behaviour is absolutely normal for
children their age, with or without Touretts. It seems to be more prevalent
with boys, but you will notice that though they are "at" eachother all the
time now they will become greatest of good friends in adulthood. All you
have to do is wait.
And while you are waiting, I hope you will not interfere with the way they
are being brought up, and not take it upon yourself to teach them how to
live. If they try your patience beyond endurance, don't subject yourself to
their presence. And when you DO visit them, don't let their behaviour
dominate the conversation - find something else to talk about. There is
always the weather, politics, the garden, taxes and what's wrong with
television these days. You don't HAVE to dwell on those poor kids; leave
them alone. They'll grow to be fine young men, just give them space.
If you were hoping I'd provide you some brilliant method of changing your
brother's sons into the charming boys that YOU would be bringing up if they
were yours, well, I'm sorry but I can't. There is nothing you can possibly
do to change the way your brother is raising them, and there is nothing you
can do to change the boys themselves. All you can do is improve your own
understanding of their difficulties trying to overcome the disease they are
fighting, and love them just the same.
Truly yours,
GG
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