Hello! I just found your website and hope you can help me to help my
sister, Lynn. She is married with two daughters, a six year old (Betty)
and a two month old (Celeste).
She and her husband, Joe, just bought a home about a block away from his
parents, who helped with the down payment and made it possible for them
to purchase the home in the first place. Joe was an only child.
Even before this, his parents were constantly dropping by unannounced.
They'd come by and inform Lynn and Joe that they were picking up Betty
for anywhere from a few hours to the whole weekend. It didn't seem to
matter to them if Lynn and Joe had other plans for Betty; all they cared
about is doing what they wanted to do.
It has steadily been getting worse. Recently, Lynn decorated Betty's
bedroom. She found accessories to match and had the room done real
cute. Her MIL informed her over the phone that she was making a new
quilt for Betty. Lynn tactfully told her thanks, but Betty just got a
new quilt. She tried to make it clear that while she appreciated the
effort, she was quite happy with the quilt she had. Then one day, her
MIL came over with a new quilt, bedspread and curtains she had made for
the room, then proceeded to TAKE DOWN the curtains, wall hangings and
accessories Lynn had put up and replaced them with hers!!
Her MIL also makes a habit of buying stuff for Betty even though Lynn
has asked her to please stop doing that so that Betty wouldn't become
too spoiled. Her MIL is now telling Betty NOT TO TELL HER PARENTS
about stuff she buys Betty, basically telling her it's ok to get away
with something if you lie to your parents about it!!
Joe was recently offered a better paying job in a different city about
100 miles away. They aren't real excited about moving, but feel that
maybe the change would be good for them, would help get Betty and
Celeste away from his parents. No amount of "talking" with them has
done any good; they only see things their own way. Joe and Lynn have
tried again and again. They've even written them heartfelt letters,
pleading with them to respect their parental authority and let them
raise their children as they see fit.
The response: "It's our right to spoil our grandchildren."
FRUSTRATION!
The final blow was today, when Lynn and Joe told his parents they may be
accepting this job and moving. His parents told them that they (Joe,
Lynn and family) are their whole life and so if they move, his parents
plan to MOVE TOO, to the same town!! They tell them their family is the
only thing they have to keep them "grounded", whatever that means.
Lynn and Joe feel hopelessly trapped in this situation. Lynn feels if
she speaks her mind, she'll be forever resented by her MIL and thought
of as a b***h! (Of course, her MIL has no fear of speaking HER mind to
Lynn about everything!)
Please forgive the length of this letter. I hope you can give me some
advice or suggestions to give to my sister? She's at her wit's end and I
feel helpless!! I really appreciate any help you can give us!
Thanks so much. I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
You want to advise your sister, that's a kind thought that I'm sure comes
from your heart, but when was the last time she took your advice?
She has a problem, not an unusual one, but still one that requires some tact
and lots of love to solve. She has to put herself into the shoes of her
husband's parents and try to imagine how she would feel, in their situation.
She has to weigh the consequences of trying to change those people or of
adjusting to their needs and wishes.
She will have to decide whether the constant dispute with her son's parents
is worth the disruption it must be causing within her own little family.
If her inlaws find it necessary to ask the children to lie about what they
are giving them, your sister has to decide whether she wants this enforced
secrecy to continue, or whether it would be wiser to aknowledge that the
kids are going to receive all sorts of junk they don't need, in exchange for
some happiness that the grandparents will derive from giving it.
Your sister and her husband will manage to raise two lovely daughters, with
all the right attitudes and able to cope with the problems they will face
with friends throughout their lives. They can do this with, or without,
interference from the grandparents. Getting along with those people will be
part of the training the little girls will need. The example shown them by
their own parents will guide them when they are faced much later with
intergenerational problems of their own.
Reinforcing your sister's inability to cope with this difficult situation, by
"siding" against her husband's parents is not doing her any kind of a
favour. If you have anything else in the world to discuss with your sister,
when you are with here, or phoning or emailing her, I hope you'll dwell on
these other things and take no position for or against her husband's
parents.
Their actions may seem silly and unfair to you, and to your sister, and to
her husband, but not to them. And they are an important ingredient in the
lives of those two little girls. Better they should respect and love their
grandparents than to grow up thinking of them only as bad people who get in
the way. Having more clothes and toys than they need, and being fed goodies
between meals, and putting up with curtains in their room that their own
mother did not provide, are small matters in the larger scheme of things.
Having grandparents you are permitted to adore is no small matter.
I'm not suggesting that you should advise your sister of what I feel about
this situation, but just to let her figure it out for herself. I have two
sisters and in all my 77 years of life I have never been able to "advise"
them of anything. They've made their own mistakes and lived with theml And
I with mine.
Yours truly,
GG
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