Our son and daughter-in-law live in a state that is six hours from our
home. On August 13, 1998, they had a baby boy, our first grandchild. We
are very excited as grandparents and enjoy being with him very much.
Since they live so far away, we do not get to visit very often. In 1998 we
visited 3-4 times, some times on holidays, since we like to have a third
day for the trip. We asked if we could visit when we did go. Because of
some past differences, sometimes the visit was a bit strained. We did
discuss these differences and all agreed that we would try harder to
respect each other's differences. (This was prior to the baby's birth.)
For the most part things did improve, and we get along much better.
This year we asked if they had plans for Easter, and my son said his wife
had to work. I suggested I could help with dinner, etc. He made an excuse
that his wife wouldn't feel comfortable with that, so we did not visit. I
sent an e-mail two weeks prior to the Memorial Day holiday asking about
their holiday plans. I did not receive an answer. I called him a week
prior to the holiday, and he said they had invited friends two months ago.
Previously, he told me he couldn't plan weekends that far ahead because of
his job.
We feel like we are getting the run-around, and they do not want us to come
on holiday weekends, as this prevents them from inviting their friends.
They recently visited us for a week, and I think they feel they didn't
want us around for this holiday. We realize they do not want us to come
every holiday weekend, but we haven't. When they visited us, they did ask
us to babysit while they went to dinner, so it isn't that they don't trust
us with the baby.
We would like your opinion as to what to do about visiting them. Should we
wait for an invitation to come? Should we call and ask them when we can
come? We really would like to spend time with them and our grandchild. We
don't want to force ourselves on them, but we are afraid our grandchild
will not know us. We always ask their approval before doing things with
our grandchild and feel we are not doing things they dislike. We are at a
loss to know how to handle this difficult situation without causing family
problems. Would you please give us some suggestions? Thanks for your
help.
As your son has even had to resort to fabrication to keep you from coming to
spend a holiday with him and his family, I think it is time for you to stop
trying. He knows you want to be with them, and of course his wife knows
that too. Whatever difficulties you have had in the past may be over and
done with now but you could have new difficulties if you persist.
Just leave it alone for a while. Your grandson will not forget you. When he
is a little older there will be opportunities for you to get to know him -
just bide your time. They obviously approve of the way you handle their
child, and nothing will change that. Just don't press them. Leave everything
for a while and one of these days they will surprise you by inviting you for
a visit, or by coming to see you for a special occasion.
The worst problem that could be caused would be for your son and his wife to
find themselves arguing about your visits. As for helping out with Easter
dinner - in my experience unless two women are terribly compatible the last
place for them to be together would be in a kitchen! Even a good
relationship can be ruined that way.
So get yourselves involved in so many of your own activities that you really
don't have time to be yearning to see your son's family. Invite your own
friends over for holiday dinners and send your grandson an amusing greeting
card. One of the worst things that grandparents can do is to center their
own lives on the lives of their children, and grandchildren. There's lots
more to do in this world for seniors than just sit around worrying about the
family they have already raised.
Worry not. They will get around to noticing they've missed you for a while,
and the phone will ring. Mark my words!
Yours truly,
GG
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