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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
I have been married for three years to the "black sheep", middle child of
a farm family. Things started out ok, but quickly changed. Besides
feeling left out, and being left out of the farm, my MIL has caused me a
great deal of pain. It became apparent especially after my son was born.
I work 5 days a week and she kept the baby one day a week. When I was gone
and could not be around, she would have family dinners, with all the farm
siblings and their wives. Even when I happened to have a day off, she
would not invite me to dinner. The last two times, I arrived earlier than
expected to pick up my son, to find the whole family sitting down to a
meal, to which I had not been invited. Once she rushed me out the door,
my husband said, "aren't you going to stay for dinner?" and I replied "she
didn't ask me to. Everyone was around and heard, she just said, "I
thought you had groceries in the car and had to get home." Just last
week, she kept the baby just one day, and on that one day planned a family
dinner. There were six other days she could have planned it so that I
could have been there. Last summer I confronted her with her behavior and
how hurtful it was. She denied planning things around me. It has reached
a point where I cant take anymore and have told my husband that He had to
stand up for me and not let her do that anymore or I was leaving. He says
he loves me but it is very hard, as she is very controlling (of the whole
family in a very sublte way) She doesn't give her love and approval and
her children are constantly trying to get it. One daughter had a nervous
breakdown because she couldn't tell her parents that she got a divorce.
Please help. There are many times that I wish I had never married into
this farm family, they don't want me here.
- Dear unwanted,
-
Well, my dear, if you are being totally honest, and you are really being
"cut out" of the family group, I guess you have to face it and decide
whether you want this all your life or not.
If you leave, it is probable that your husband and child will remain in this
big "happy" family and you will be alone in the world trying to find a
friendlier group to join. If you stay you might have to accommodate their
cold behaviour towards you. There is no easy solution.
One thing is sure and that is that you canot change your mother in law, and
apparently you can't rely on your husband to support your needs either. So
it's up to you.
How about going to your mother in law and asking her right out if you could
be invited to her next family gathering. She will say that you are always
welcome but it just hasn't been convenient on past occasions. Then you say,
perhaps that is so but you want to be sure to be included the next time,
unless there's some reason why she doesn't want you there. The ball is then in
her court. She will have to tell you what her problem is. She might tell you
that you don't "fit in" with the others, in which case you will ask her what
you might do to improve that situation. "How can I fit in better? What
should I do or say that would make me more acceptable at your dinner table?"
In other words, force her to face the facts squarely. Tell her you feel like
an outsider and that you really want to be a regular and welcome member of
her family. Ask her advice. You might be surprised. She might have some
valid reasons that you had not thought about. Maybe you smoke and that
bothers her. Maybe you talk too loud - or maybe you are so quiet that they
all think you don't like them. Maybe you are more attractive than most of
them, younger and cuter, and they feel threatened. I wonder if you might
watch them all and try to be one of them. Enjoy whatever they are talking
about, praise them each - honestly - for what they are accomplishing. Never
boast about yourself or your family or your background or anything at all.
Just don't talk about yourself.
I'm not suggesting that you are a bore, or a boastful person, but sometimes
people are uncomfortable with "outsiders" because they feel inferior and
don't like that feeling. Farm people are usually friendly, but they may
resent city folk - and you may, in their eyes, be city folk. Jealousy can
ruin friendship and if some of them are jealous of you - well, that could be
the problem.
Ask your mother in law right out, to help you overcome whatever it is that
bugs her about you. Then DO something to correct it - that part's up to
you.
Leave your husband out of this - don't get him into a position where he has
to choose between you. Make it a woman to woman thing and I feel sure that
you can solve it. Be ready to hear some hard truths about yourself. Be ready
to break down and cry if you think she has you all wrong. But face it and
get it over with. Then get your rightful seat at her table the next time she
has the gang over for dinner. Be there, and make them glad you are with
them.
Good luck,
GG
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