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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
I'm a divorced grandmother of one sweet grandson, aged 5. He loves for
me to come over and wants me to eat with him, etc., sit with him while
he plays video and computer games, all of which I do whenever I can.
I only live about 11 miles away from him, but his mother (my
daughter-in-law) seems to hate me and is very angry and I don't even
know why. She "sends" my son to talk to me and "straighten me out." I
tell him, I would like for her to come to me and let me know what she's
angry about, but when he tells her that her reply is, "She's your
problem because she's your mother!" This puts my son between a rock and
hard place. He doesn't agree with her "reasons" for disliking me, but
if he says so, she flares up and says he is supposed to support her, not
me! In some ways I agree with that, but this situation is getting worse
and worse.
To give you a few examples of her expressions of anger to my son about
me (never to me!):
-
She says I should retire so I'll be there for them when they
need me -- that I don't put my family first! (I work full time even
though I'm 66 years old because I'm purchasing a home which I bought
following my divorce after a 30-year marriage).
- She is angry because I didn't take a day off from work several
months ago when there was a situation where they couldn't take my
grandson to his pre-school. She wanted to go to her job and because I
didn't take the day off, she had to!
- She says that I'm a bad influence on her son, that I'm a
hippocrit because to her I go to church to impress other people.
Actually, I go to church because I love Jesus and like to surround
myself with people of like beliefs.
- She's says I'm selfish because I have a busy life and do all the
things I like to do; i.e.; I'm in my choir at church; I co-facilitate a
divorce recovery support group weekly; I go to church every Sunday; I
enjoy Bible studies, and I'm active in my Emmaus Community (another
Christian organization).
- She says that families should be there for each other no matter
what; yet this seems to be only a one-sided view.
As an example (which
I don't throw up to them, but which weighs heavy on my heart), I dated a
very nice man for four years and he died with cancer. She was angry
with me for some reason at the time, and made life so miserable for my
son, that he didn't come to the memorial service for my friend to give
me any support. I was deeply hurt by this, but have forgiven them even
though it still hurts to think about it.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, but I really don't know what to do to
soften my daughter-in-law's heart. She didn't have a great relationship
with her parents who are both deceased, and I thought we could love each
other and become close -- not that anyone else could ever replace her
parents -- and that we could become a separate family unit.
I wish she would talk with me about her anger, but it doesn't look as
though that will happen. I think she is hurting over something very
deep within herself and that I'm just a scapegoat. I don't hate her for
this -- in fact, I feel very sorry for her because this anger must be
eating her alive. I'm also concerned about what this anger will do to
my grandson. We are so close and so bonded, and I feel she is trying to
put a wedge between us. I breaks my heart when my little grandson calls
me and wants me to come to see him. I can't tell him the truth, but
don't want to lie to him either. I send him little animated cards
during the week on the computer, but that's not the same as spending
that valuable time with him.
Thank you for any advice you can give for handling this seemingly
hopeless situation.
- Dear hopeless
-
You're absolutely right, your son's wife is a disturbed young woman. She is
jealous and insecure. You are living the life she would like for herself,
with friends and activities as well as your job, and the house you are
buying. Sounds like a nice, full life to me. Going through a divorce, and
then the death of your dearest friend has been a trial for you but you had
nobody to share those burdens with - except your church friends of course -
but no family.
Your son is afraid to come out and be your total ally in this imaginary war
that his wife is waging. She's fighting for her own sense of importance and
knows that you are the stronger person.
Somehow you, as the stronger in the group, have to get the "war" to stop.
You have to get her to understand that you are not competing with her for
the affection of her son. You have every right to play, eat, read and do
whatever you wish, with your grandson, as long as it doesn't break any of
the family rules they have set for him. If you are keeping him up beyond
what they deem to be his bedtime, or if you are feeding him stuff of which
they disaprove, then you can correct those things. But if you're just taking
an active part in his life, you're giving him something that too many
children lack: a loving grandparent.
If she is happy to have you baby-sit for her, she should be willing for you
to be in his life on other occasions too. but what she SHOULD be doing is
not the issue here. You can NEVER tell a daughter-in-law what she should be
doing. She would immediately accuse you of trying to run her life.
I'm sorry your son can't understand the importance of you two women being
with eachother and talking face to face. He's missing the boat on that one.
He should not be running to you with her complaints, but he should be
bringing her along to discuss matters in an adult fashion.
I think that's the crux of the problem. She does not feel like an equal
adult in your presence. She is afraid to "confront" you on a level playing
field. She thinks you will pull rank, as the senior member. I wish she was a
church-going person because maybe somebody she trusts could explain to her
that you and she both want only the best for that little boy. But that won't
happen so what can be done?
You cannot change her. That's impossible. But maybe there is some way that
you can change your own manner of approaching your grandson. Maybe you can
ask her if it's alright for you to come over and read to him. Perhaps you
can invite him AND HER out to Macdonalds or the park or whatever, with you,
and sit quietly as a third party to the outing. Maybe you could build up
her good qualities in the eyes of her son to lessen the feeling she has that
you are competing.
Perhaps you have to be innovative and invent some ways to feature her value
as a mother, and diminish your own importance as a granny. If you ask your
son, next time he comes over to "straighten you out" for a specific example
of what it is that bothers his wife, you could straighten HIM out by telling
him why you are as you are. You are not a bad person; don't let them get
away with pretending that you are.
Aside from this, all I can suggest is that you pray. It helps.
Yours truly,
GG
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