Thank you for this wonderful forum. Last month my daughter
and husband asked me to live in their downstairs apartment
with all expenses paid, because of my health problems (chemo
and upcoming major surgery). Being here with my daughter
and my 1.5 and 3 year old grandsons is more than I could
ever ask for but I have always feared living so close. It
has always been hard being a non-parent since she left home
18 years ago but I have managed since we have always had at
least 500 miles between us. (I have two other children who
live thousands of miles away.) We have one major problem.
We are both so used to being the "mom" and being
independent. My daughter does not welcome me correcting the
children's manners or behavior or interjecting comments.
The result is an unconscious derogatory remark or
contradiction to nearly everything I say that has to do with
her, the children or the house. A simple thing like me
asking the children to pick up their toys before they go to
bed is met with a contradiction. Another example, I asked
why they didn't have any push button phones in their house
and was told "we like phones with dials so don't come in
here and try to change things".
We have discussed this and she said she was totally unaware
that she was doing this. We agreed to tell each other
promptly when one or the other said something that was
disagreeable to the other one and discuss it right there so
we could learn from each other.
One other thing, my daughter wants to give me everything and
I want to give her everything. I accept all of her giving
but don't want to constantly be the recipient which hurts
her. She will not accept anything from me and this hurts
me.
Do you have any other suggestions how we can learn to get
along better?
Looks to me as if you are handling things famously. You have come to an
agreement to discuss differences openly and what could be better than that?
Of course, if you're going to be dwelling on your differences forever it
could get a tad tiresome, and if you still resent being the receiver of
favours, that might also be annoying to both of you.
I think you just have to relax on all fronts. Don't try to get the kids to
pick up their toys - just remember where they are so you won't trip over
them if you pass through that room in the dark. And as to push button
phones, who cares?
You've had your turn to be the boss of the house. Aren't you glad that's
over and you can now just be one of the also-rans? Do what you can to help
when you're asked; offer to wash up, or pick up, or whatever seems
appropriate at any time, but don't rush in with your efficiency showing and
make it seem that your daughter can't manage on her own. Because she can.
And if she's lacking somewhere, don't worry, her way just might be as good
or better than your way was.
Since it suits you to live in their home, you have no choice but to be there
on their terms. It's not a matter of giving up all your own standards, it's
just a matter of fitting in. There is really no alternative. You can't have
your cake and eat it - that is to say you cannot accept somebody else's
hospitality and be in charge at the same time.
Sharing a kitchen between two women, no matter how they are related, or
unrelated, is probably one of the most trying situation to relationships.
It's a test of your ingenuity, but I detect from your letter that you can
overcome this problem. Talking things out sometimes works, to a degree. But
don't let it become a situation where all you ever discuss is your
grievances against eachother. There are lots of other things to talk about.
The world is undergoing trying times in every section and on every subject.
I don't mean that you should get consumed with the war that NATO is waging
against Serbia, or with global warming, or the gun laws, but these things
ARE more pressing than whether the kids get to bed on time. So go for the
larger topics, and try to play their game with the little things as long as
you are living in their house.
Tough, I know, but it's the only way to manage.
Yours truly,
GG
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