My father is a widower of 4 years. We all love him dearly but we have
one or two little problems. He has these two little dogs, one of which
he and my mother had long before her death. After she died he felt the
need to get another dog to keep the existing one company while he went
to work and whatnot. Well, he never leaves home without them. He has
even taken them to work on occasion.
When he brings them to everyone he knows houses, it drives me crazy. He got
so ticked off one christmas time when I told him he shouldn't bring them to
a relatives house who has allergies because it would not be very polite. He
went to the celebration without them but was unhappy about it. The thing
is he brings them and doesn't really tend to them when they are there he
just sort of lets them do whatever and believe me they have done their
business a few times in my home. I have told him not to bring them into
my house when they are wet because they smell and they make everything
dirty but he still does. They jump up on the back of the couch and bark
profusely when anything moves outside, rubbing their dirty little snouts
all over the window and even urinating in excitement. I have asked him
to keep them off of my furniture but he doesn't. I have asked him to
keep them on a leash in my yard because I don't like dog pooh every
where but he doesn't.
I don't like always telling him off about the dogs. Once at Christmas he
asked me to doggy sit while he went out and socialized I obliged because
he watches our children when I need him to. Anyway he returned to my home
very late and noisily and was staying over and I asked him not to have the
dogs up on our son's bed where he was sleeping and he got up out of bed and
took his dogs and went home, making Christmas very uncomfortable the next
day when he finally came back to celebrate with all of us.
He came without the dogs and didn't bring them into the house for about 5
months after. He would make comments to them as he left them in his vehicle
like, "no you can't come with me because your not welcome in their home
anymore." This made me feel awful and he also didn't visit very often
during that time.
I once asked him why he brought them to a certain family function, which
was busy with alot of people around, and his reply was "they are my
family" my reply was "I thought we were". The dogs had a seat on the
couch and others were sitting on the floor. I know he is lonely but
when he goes out to visit people he isn't lonely. None of my other
relatives will say anything to him because they don't want to offend him
but I know they don't appreciate it. When my mother was alive, they
would bring the one dog over for short visits, never to functions, but
my mom always held it on her lap or in her arms and was very attentive
to it. She would never allow this to carry on. Are we making a big
ordeal out of this than needs be, or can you see an obvious solution
that we can't? I appreciate and value your opinion.
I find it sad that you are jealous of your father's dogs. They get to sit on
the couch while others, presumably your relatives, sit on the floor. He
needs the company of his dogs, even more, it would appear, than he needs the
company of his relatives. He has said they are his family; you might try to
respect this. After all, he has had you as family for many years and if he
now enjoys the company of his dogs, don't be jealous, be happy for him
because he can't have you all the time, whereas he CAN have the dogs.
Although you probably truly do believe that when he is visiting other people
he is not lonely, I suspect that he is. He is without his wife, who was his
helpmeet and his soulmate, probably the only person in the world who really
understood him. It may be impossible for you, yet, to understand such
loneliness. By the time you come to understand this, it will probably be too
late for you to discuss it with your father. I hope your own children will
love you and accept your friends, whoever or whatever they may be, and will
not stand in judgment of you for making your own choices.
If I seem to be coming down very hard on you, in favour of your father and
his dogs, it is only because I feel a great deal of sympathy for him. You
have heard him talking with them, when he has to leave them in the car
instead of coming into your house where they are not welcome. That's not as
terrible as it seems. He is just making his statement, loud enough to be
sure you will hear. He wants you to recognize your guilt, and he is
succeeding.
So he's winning that round, isn't he! That's good. He shouldn't always be
the loser. And he did refrain from bringing his dogs to your house for five
months. You say he ruined your Christmas when he took his dogs home, after
you had told him they couldn't be with him in your son's bed. I suppose you
would have needed to wash the sheets twice, if the dogs had stayed with him.
Is that a horrible fate? But as I see it, your father didn't ruin your
Christmas. He just went home, with his two best friends. The ruining was
done when you made him, and his friends, feel unwelcome.
I have been wondering if your father spends as much time telling you what he
thinks of your children, as you do, telling him what you think of his dogs.
Does he make a habit of relating all the things they do that don't seem
proper to him? When he looks after your children so you can go out for an
evening, do you get yourselves into a snit if he brings along his dogs? Do
the children like the dogs? Do they like their grandfather, with or without
the dogs?
None of your other relatives are willing to offend him; you might try to be
as understanding. Old age is not always as easy to cope with as you might
think, until you are facing it yourself. The greatest gift an old person
will ever receive is the unconditional love of his children. Not just
putting up with him, on their own terms, but the kind of love that
transcends every sort of inconvenience, even a couple of pet dogs.
If those dogs were vicious, causing bodily harm to you or your children, you
could call the Humane Society I suppose. But since all they do is mess up
your house, and since your Dad is willing to keep them in his vehicle
anyway, I really believe the problem is only with yourselves.
It's hard to put up with other people, but that's what he spent a lot of his
life doing when you were young. I hope you will be able to rise to the
occasion now and "put up" with him. I guess you didn't want to hear this,
but it's as I see it. You can not change him, ever. You can only change
yourselves.
Sorry,
Yours truly,
GG
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