Until six months ago (when my husband's career forced us to relocate) my
husband and I lived 300 miles from our grown children and 6 grandchildren.
We saw them all at Christmas and Thanksgiving or at one of their homes for
birthdays, etc. We had the grandchildren visit us one at a time for a day or
two, with activities planned.
We now live within 30 minutes drive of all of them. Suddenly we have become
convenient and free babysitters, as our kids feel we "missed out on so much
of their lives before." This ranges from emergency sitters (work schedule
conflicts, school pickup, short-term sitting) to a four-day stint with a one
year old and a two and a half year old.
We aren't used to little ones at this point in our lives. Each family has
their own set of rules we are expected to follow. Besides, this is a second
marriage for my husband and me. We raised my two and his two in a blended
family. From the time my son was born in 1965 until his daughter moved out
in 1991, we have had kids and never had any time for just us. And I also
worked outside the home until the last six years. We were really enjoying
the empty nest and our "delayed honeymoon" life together. We each have lots
of interests and activities. In other words "we have a life!" and felt we
had finally earned the right to enjoy it. We are in our mid 50's.
The other grandparents seem to enjoy babysitting. That's great for them. We
simply don't. I consider it a job and it makes me extremely nervous,
especially having full responsibility for thier care for days at a time.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but how can we explain that we really
don't feel like we were missing out, and that we could actually appreciate
the grandchildren more when we can visit with them (one family at a time)
with mom or dad around to discipline, referee disputes, etc. And for short
periods rather than hours or days. Even our house and furnishings were not
meant for little ones' rough housing.
If I sound like a grump and won't win "grandmother of the year", so be it. I
feel as if i'm losing my mind. Are we just awful, or what?
Please help.
No, not at all. You are not awful, just human.
If you had wanted to spend your fifties looking after children you would have had some more of your own, but that is not your idea of the good life, at this stage.
You wonder how you can tell your kids that you don't want to look after THEIR kids. Well, don't keep them wondering. Just tell them straight out. The very next time someone asks you to pick up Johnny after school, take Jenny to her dance lesson, or mind the babies while their parents go to a dinner party, just say NO.
You don't have to make up an excuse. You don't have to tell them you have a previous engagement, but if that would make it easier for you, that wouldn't be a lie. You DO have previous plans and they are to spend your day, weekend, or even just that specific hour together, alone.
If the kids put up an argument and try to make you feel guilty for not helping them raise their families, don't let that weaken your resolve. You and I know that if it became a life or death emergency, you would of course leap into the breach and do whatever you could. But for all these little daily, weekly occasions when they are just using you to avoid getting a sitter, or to save themselves the nuisance, you have no obligation to fill in for them.
As you've noticed, some grandparents really love that sort of thing. Having the grandchildren gives them great pleasure. Just because you folks have other things you'd rather do at this stage in your life should not make you feel guilty. Your children might try to make you feel bad but that's their choice.; you don't have to encourage them to be users.
When you are explaining to them that much as you love their children, you simply can not look after them any more, ask them to remember your feelings and see if perhaps they will be the same in another twenty years. They, of course, will say that they will want to be looking after their own grandchildren forever, but what do they know now?
Considering how many letters I get from people who resent interference from their parents, this one is quite a change. As a matter of fact, your children are interfering in YOUR lives. You produced the children and cared for them for a long, long time. Now that they have produced their own children, they should be prepared to look after them totally and not shove them off on you, under the pretext that you have missed out on your grandchildren's childhood, or whatever.
The very next time they call on you, I hope you will tell them they'll have to make other arrangements. After they get this response a few times, they should get the message. You have other activities - just look in your little red book and say, "Oh dear, I'll be busy doing so and so at that time. Sorry!"
Yours sincerely,
GG
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