My husband's father is very impatient with our four children who
range in age from 10 to 2 years old. On more than one occaision, he has
been unkind to them. He yells and scolds them in a way that really
makes them feel bad about themselves. He has never attended any
birthday parties, recitals, or sporting events, and I think it's fair to
say that he has had little or no positive contact with the grandkids.
However, the kids adore "Grammy" who has always been very loving and
involved with each of them.
On a recent visit, Grandpa blew up at our six year-old for getting
candy from the candy jar. She had our permission but he thought
otherwise. His outburst made us so upset that we left and my husband
yelled back at his father "If we're not welcome here we'll just leave!"
His mother felt horrible about the whole thing and apologized
profusely. We don't want to sever our ties with my Father-in-law but we
also feel that we can't allow him to mistreat our children.
Is it possible to limit the contact the children have with their
Grandfather while maintaining their relationship with their
Grandmother? How can we protect our children from having their feelings
hurt by a Grandpa who doesn't like kids?
You are free to sever ties with your father in law if you wish, but that would make your mother-in-law very unhappy and would deprive your children of any connection with a man who might be a marvellous person; even if he can't relate comfortably with the current generation of children.
You can not change Grandpa - sorry. If he blows up at the behaviour of a five year old, he is expressing his own suffering. I suppose that at that age having a candy was a privilege only enjoyed after some sort of special effort on his part.
We all raise children differently. It's too bad he doesn't understand your permissive method, but no amount of arguing or apologizing for his manner will change him.
He suffers along day after day as he sees this new generation "going to the dogs" but that's HIS problem. Don't add it to YOUR burdens. You have enough to think about, just getting your children through these difficult years.
Please sit down with your children when Grandfather is not there and explain to them that he is living in a different world. Tell them about his life - his sacrifices - his dreams - his triumphs and failures. They can accept him as he is, learn a little compassion and love him for what he represents, or they can just ignore him. It takes a bit of maturity to appreciate someone who thinks everything you are doing is wrong - but if you can get the kids to open their hearts to people who are different from them, that's a big step in your job of raising them to be decent human beings.
You don't need to protect your children from him, but you might give some thought to protecting him from them. He will never understand them; so whatever they can do to conform to his way of thinking, while he is around, will help. Get them to help you to keep him IN the family, for their own sake, for your sake, for Grandma's sake, and for his own sake. It's a win - win - win situation, if you can pull it off.
Yours sincerely,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
