Our son is 26 years old and is married and working at a
drafting
job and doing well on his own. Our problem is he and his wife do not
clean
their trailor and have 3 cats and seldom clean the kitty litter! I have
managed to keep my mouth shut because this is their house and I had a
difficult mother-in-law so I don't want to have troube with the son and
daughter-in-law.
Here is our recent problem --------last week my
husband's
brother died and my son and his wife
came home to the funeral. Beth was dressed in a nice pant suit but our
son had
on a shirt not ironed and gym shoes and at the visitation I ironed a
white
shirt and asked him to please wear it which he did but he was upset.
That
night he was asked to be a pallbearer but wore the gym shoes and same
old
clothes.
He is angry because he says he loves the Lord and we shouldn't
judge
him by his clothing. We think he should have shown more respect for the
family that lost the loved one and for us and also the people at the
funeral..
I confronted Chris with our disappointment and he was very upset. He
told me
he missed two days of work and we should appreciate that-----we do but
he is
ignoring the real issue.
He told me he has his own home now and can do as he pleases. Are we
wrong to
think he should dress appropriately for special occasions. It isn't
because
he doesn't know how to dress because before he married Beth he wore
dress
shirts and blazers and ties and dress shoes. Now he says these gym
shoes are
his dress shoes and Beth agrees with him. I feel it is a revengeful
thing
with Beth because she has always loved rebellion even with her parents.
When
we visit their trailor and giving them notice of our visit we can't even
find
a place to sit down for the clutter.
He is so angry with me for talking
to
his about this dress matter that he has told me NOT TO CALL HIM AGAIN.
I am
hurt that he dressed so uncaring and also showed us not respect. Can
you
please give me your opinion. By the way his Dad is a retired military
officer
and Chris always saw
the proper way to dress.
I am at my wit's end and need your help!
He also has a goatee and mustache he doesn't trim and shaves his
head
looking like a skinhead! When Beth goes to church she always looks very
neat
and together!
No my dear, I can not give you advice, but I'll sit with you for a few
minutes and help you figure this out for yourself.
Your husband and you have raised your son in the way any worthy military
officer and his god-fearing wife would do. He wore his dress clothes
when occasion demanded and never wore running shoes to church. I'll bet
he also picked up his things around the house, and if you have pets, he
probably did whatever chores you set for him, to keep everything tidy.
Then he left home and got married. He has his own job, his own money,
his own wife, his own home, and yes, his own cats, and has decided to
express his emancipation by shaving his head - but wears facial hair to
proclaim his manhood. Great! You've seen him through one stage after
another since birth, and here he is in another.
Being beyond your reach to demand or even try to persuade him to pull up
his socks, he will go on "doing his thing" until he gets to some other
stage in his life. Maybe you'll live long enough to see him getting
around to wearing a jacket again.
Meanwhile, let the cats litter where they will, just stay away from that
trailer, and next time somebody dies in the family don't ask him to be a
pallbearer. Let him skulk around the back of the church, or even decide
not to attend. It isn't going to reflect upon you and your husband if
your son doesn't turn up. He is no longer YOUR responsibility. He can do
with his paycheque whatever he wishes to do.
It would be great for you if you could come to terms right now with the
fact that he is no longer doing your bidding. Sounds like a sort of
revolution on his part. Gear yourself mentally, and spiritually, for the
time when he has children and raises them in a totally unacceptable way.
He and his wife are bound to do everything exactly opposite to what you
would do. Practice biting your tongue right now, in anticipation of how
you must be when you see your grandchildren wallowing in kitty-litter
and never wearing shoes at all.
They're from good stock; they'll survive, and when they grow up they
will more than likely revert to the neat lifestyle you prefer. They may
even become so meticulous that they find their grandparents needing in
organization around the house. It happens.
But for now, please enjoy your own daily lives and don't waste your own
precious time agonizing about how your son is living. It just doesn't
make sense because there is absolutely nothing in this world that you
can do about it.
Sorry, I wasn't going to give advice - but I guess I did. The advice is
to get on with your life and consider the bringing up of Chris to be
finished.If you think he's an embarassment in front of your friends,
just know for a fact that they too have children - and just about nobody
totally approves of what their kids are up to these days. Best not even
talk about it, and when your neighbours are bragging about their perfect
sons and daughters, talk about the weather, or the baseball scores.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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