My husband and I have been retired for two years. We had made so many
plans, travelling, camping and visiting our children who all live far
away
from us. The problem is our oldest daughter. Her first marriage
resulted
in divorce, she had a child with this man. This child is now 14. She
remarried and has 2 children with her second husband. Our granddaughter
does not get along with her stepfather and is now living with us, (has
been
for 5 months). Our daughter just does not seem to care that we are in no
position to handle her daughter. We love our granddaughter dearly, we
are
her only grandparents, we helped in raising her from the time she was
born. Then they moved away when she was six, but we kept in close
contact.
We saw her every summer for 5 or 6 weeks at a time. When things
started
to go bad for her we were the only ones that she could turn to.. It is
also very difficult for us to go from being grandparents to being
parents.
She is attending high school and has made some new friends here, some
nice
kids, some not so nice. We have lost our freedom, our home has been
invaded by her friends when they come to see her. The loud music, and I
could go on and on. Financially it is also a hardship, as we have not
had
one cent from our daughter in support. She never got any financial
support
from her ex. The child has no one else to turn to, we have been her
only
constant people in her life.
Our daughter lives in another Province and
is
not able to travel to visit or be of any help. Both my husband and I
feel
that we are being taken advantage of by our daughter who can't look
after
her own daughter. Before I loose my sanity over this, how do we make
the
transition in becoming parents and keep up with her, and make sure that
we
still have a life before it's too late for us. I just don't know what
to
do, somedays I feel so depressed that I wonder where I went wrong with
our
daughter.
Any advice you can give .
Say no more - I know exactly what you are going through. It is not fair
at all. You have DONE that, now it is your daughter's turn. I guess she
finds it inconvenient to have a teenager at home while trying to raise
her younger children. Well, that's too bad. Nobody ever promised her
that marrying a second time would be a rose garden!
Also, if your teenaged grandchild finds it hard to get along with here
step father, tough! Nobody has promised her that she wouldn't have tough
problems to solve.
Why should it be you and your husband who have to slog through this
business just because those two other women can't face their own
problems? It just is not fair.
But then, who ever told us that life would be fair?
Honestly, I think you have to sit down with these people and tell them
straight out that you are not going to sacrifice the golden years you
have worked towards all this time just so they can live out their
fantasies. Your daughter HAS three children. She should face that fact
and make the most of it. Your granddaughter HAS a step father. She must
come to terms with that fact too and go more than half way to get along
with him.
It's only going to be a few years before she is off on her own anyway -
but those years are precious to you. You deserve them to yourselves.
And during those few years dear knows what challenges will present
themselves with regard to that child. Well, you know already what it's
like to go through those years. With the changing times and changes in
morality and expectations and what's accepted and what's "normal" it
doesn't make sense for you to have to adapt to all that, no way!
Bite the bullet and tell them flat out - you can not carry on as that
child's surrogate parents. Give them a time limit to make their own
arrangements and then take off on a cruise for two, or a canoe trip in
the Yukon, or go bicycling in Ireland - just make your plans and go.
If the child was orphaned, homeless, abandoned or something, you would
have no choice but that's not the case. You DO have a choice. She has a
perfectly fine home to go to and parents who will look after her. Maybe
it isn't her step father at all that bothers her; maybe it's the
prospect of babysitting and all the other nuisance of having young
siblings - who knows? Whatever her reason, and whatever excuse your
daughter is giving, don't let them rob you of your own life.
You say you love them dearly but they are not showing signs of
reciprocal love for you - they are using you in a very mean way. And
don't for goodness sake start wondering where you went wrong with your
own daughter - that sort of thinking leads nowhere, especially when she
was your first child. You did everything in the world you could do to
raise her in the best way possible - we all do - but sometimes it takes
a whole bunch of children before we get it even half way right. There
are no rules for making sure they are perfect; we just do our best and
whatever happens next is a mystery.
I expect your daughter is a fine young woman doing a great job with her
new family but just doesn't get it when it comes to how she's treating
her loving parents. If you tell her straight out, and state your
deadline for keeping her child, she will get the point. Maybe she will
argue and throw up a thousand reasons why you can't carry out your plan,
but stick to your guns. Just proclaim the ultimatum and away you go.
Don't panic if they "hate" you for a while. Just rejoice that you have
regained the freedom you deserve.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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