|
Return to Granny's Query index Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
Thank you for taking the time to read this, hopefully you can answer me.
About a year and a half ago, my mother renovated our basement into living
space for my grandmother and a full-time live-in attendant. Things have
been more or less fine, but lately Grandma's mental faculties have been
diminishing (she'll be 93 in December). She has the idea that her husband
is alive (he's been dead over 20 years) and he visits her only
occasionally, since he works for the army and can't get leave often. This
is actually better than what she used to say, which is he was in jail, and
why couldn't my mother have the lawyer get him sprung? Anyway, we used to try to
reason with her, but she cannot understand that if he's dead, which she
acknowledges, he cannot possibly be in the army and visiting. So we've been
humoring her.
But here's my problem. In the last few weeks, she has been complaining that
he doesn't call or visit when she expects him and she gets very agitated.
She keeps asking why doesn't he call, and don't we have his number? She even
calls various people like my uncle and asks them where her husband is. It
used to be funny, but I don't like seeing her so worried about him. Should
we go back to bluntly telling her he's gone? Is there some other way to
deal with this? And my mother thinks it's just inevitable deterioration,
but shouldn't a doctor be looking at her?
I appreciate any advice you might have. Thank you so much.
Just writing this letter has made me feel better.
- Dear friend
-
You are so right - just writing it down helps. Now you know all the factors in the problem and can sort them out for yourself. But since you've sent the letter to me, anyway, here's all I have to say about the situation.
You don't need to "bluntly" tell your grandmother that her husband is gone. But you could talk about him with her, often. Every time you speak about him you could say, "in those days before he died, remember how grandpa used to help us fly our kites." Or - "can you remember, before grandpa died, how you and he loved to go on long walks together?" Or whatever you can think of.. If she says "but he's not dead" - don't argue. Start another reminiscence. And if she gets upset with you, change the subject. Have tea! One day she might say ,
"Oh - did he die?" and you can say, yes, and change the subject. If she wants to discuss that - all well and good. If not - don't.
She may go to her grave thinking he is still alive; so what?
When she worries because he hasn't called, just tell her that where he is there is no telephone. You know, it's quite possible that she really does know he is dead but just can not accept the fact. I can understand such a feeling. And if she can't accept such a fact as the death of her husband, leave her alone with her delusion.
Your grandmother has enough problems of her own, with adding another, by trying to prove to her that she is wrong about her husband being still alive. If she is sick, she should certainly have someone to advise her on the best way to bet better. If that is to be a doctor, that's fine. But try to find one who won't belabour her on that intense feeling she has that her husband is still alive.
We all have delusions. And we all have dreams. And everyone who is alive will, at one time or another, believe something that others don't. I'm beginning to be fond of your granny. I think she IS funny. And for all we know her mental faculties may not be as deteriorated as you think. I'd like to sit down with her and hear her talk out her fantasies. Calling close relatives to chat about her missing husband may be one of her few means to socialize. I sure hope that live-in companion you have for her is friendly and fun to be with. Whatever is left of your grandmother's life can be full of lovely memories, as long as she has someone around to relate them to.
Encourage her to talk about those old days. You'll find it more interesting than books, radio, TV, the daily (ugh) news, or even the chatter of your more contemporary friends.
Enjoy your granny on her own terms, and your life will be enriched.
Yours sincerely,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
|
