I read with interest your reply to the grandparents who have been
forbidden to see their grandchild. Our problem is something the same
but for a reason unknown to me as a matter of fact came as a big shock.
I had always felt that my daughter in law liked us. Out of the blue and
I do mean out of the blue my son phoned and said that my daughter in
law would no longer come and visit us. We do live quite a ways from
them, her parents live about 15 min. from us. She usually visited them
while my son came and visited up with the grandchildren. I wasn't hurt
by this as I realized that she didn't have much time to visit her
parents and she and her mom liked to go shopping. My son said that she
has six pages written about all of the things that I have done wrong.
The only thing I can think of is when she did come to visit she never
talked and then I would react and talk more trying to keep things
going. I would never say anything to hurt anyone. It is against my
nature.
I suggested that she and I go for counselling. She refused. We worked
on this relationship and we thought it was worked out and all of a
sudden in started all over again. Now, I haven't even seen her so I
can't have said anything because we haven't spoken. At Christmas they
came for a visit but she got up and left. She was going to driver their
car back to her parents and my husband was going to drive my and two
grandsons to her moms. I thought she was sick and said that my son
should drive her to her mothers. That is what he did, but, he came
back.
When he was leaving after a nice visit I said not to forget his wife's
Christmas Present. He took it with him. My husband and I were sitting
in our family room and didn't realize that she brought the gift back
and left it in our front door. My son it seems came over and retrieved
it. We didn't know anything about this. They have been married going
on 20 years. Now she is saying that I planned to sing at their Wedding
and the whole thing was a put up job. I couldn't believe my ears. My
son asked me to sing, I declined because I was afraid I would be too
emotional and al so wanted to sit with my husband. He asked me to
suggest someone. I suggested a gentlement who my son liked very much
and phoned my daughter in law to make sure it was alright with her. She
thought it was great. As it turned out this gentlemen got the times
mixed up. The organist has played for me many times and she said oh
come on and sing. I did sing, and when I had completed my song I was
soaking wet with persperation. My daughter in law said that I had
planned the whole thing and that she had proof. Well, my husband has
got fed up with it all and phoned my son to see what was going on. They
had been talking for quite awhile, I wasn't in the room, and just
walked in when I heard my husband call what I thought was our son a
name, which believe me is highly unusual for my husband. He told me
that while talking to my son our daugter in law picked up the phone and
said that the whole family (meaning our family) would be better off if
I would keep my big mouth shut. At which point my husband called her a
bad name and then hung up. My son did phone and said that they would no
longer see us.
Our second son told me the other day that the girl's mom is behind a
lot of it.
He said that our son can't stop talking about us. It all seems so
silly. I asked them up for a special dinner for my husband's 65th
birthday and my son said that they didn't drive up here on week-ends
anymore but came up the following week-end to see her mom and dad. This
happened before the telephone call. I know my husband was hurt. If
there was something that I could think of that I had done to hurt her I
certainly would apologize but what we hear is so far fetched that it
boggles the mind. In all of the years that they have been married we
have never been invitited to their home only to babysit. My husband
said he simply doesn't want anything to do with them. I just look at
baby pictures of my son and honestly if anyone had told me we would end
up like this, well, I just can't believe it.
He was always so close to both my husband and I. He doesn't bother with
our youngest son, and he doesn't know why. I know you can't solve this
problem but it isn't something that I would talk about. My one friend
know and says the same as us that it is completely beyond her. I know
that there is no turning back now. We could never trust this girl not
to pull this nonsense again in a few months. Thankyou for listening I
feel like someone has died. Dorothy
Nobody has died; somebody has just moved away. And you never know when
they will move back so be prepared to let bygones be bygones and pick up
where you left off.
Meanwhile, your son's wife must be going through difficult times with
her conscience. She is an insecure person and your son must walk the
tight rope between helping her regain her balance and showing concern
for his parents. If his priority is his wife, that should be expected.
After all he is raising children in that household and must maintain
some sort of equanimity. Don't be angry with him; just let him know you
support him no matter what. Be proud that he is keeping his family
together, despite his disturbed wife.
You have other children. You have a loyal and loving husband. Your
grandchildren are growing and will become important to you for years to
come. You are a singer - get involved more deeply in that, and other
side interests. In other words, you have a life. Consider widening your
horizons with other activities that have nothing to do with the son
whose wife is trying to build a wall between him and you. Just ignore
it.
If they don't turn up for an occasion, enjoy those who do. Send that son
a letter or card once in a while; remember the grandchildren on their
birthdays and other special times, such as graduations, and phone him
when there's any news to report, so he will know that no matter what is
going on in his own home, his parents are still part of his world and
interested in him.
As for the singing at the wedding caper - please don't give it another
thought. Bringing that up twenty years after the fact is just another
sign of extreme insecurity - she is reaching for excuses. She has
written six pages of complaints against you - good for her. In writing
them all down she will have purged her conscience a bit. Gradually she
will let them go but it might take another 20 years, so don't hold your
breath.
It's obvious that there's a lot about you of which she does not approve
but then who appointed her to judge you? Her problem probably stems from
the high esteem in which you are held by her husband. She is jealous.
There is nothing mysterious or unusual about that. Standing in judgment
is where the indication of her insecurity is strongest. People who judge
others are people who are terrified that others will be judging them.
But bear in mind that insecurity is not a crime and she must not be made
to feel badly about it - on the contrary, it is simply a weakness for
which nobody should be blamed - only pitied.
I would hate to be in that poor lady's shoes; her life is not easy. .
But I truly believe there is nothing you can do to help her. All you can
do is get on with your own life and pretend they have moved to Nepal,
remembering that when they return you will be happy to greet them.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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