I have been married to my husband for 8 years. I came into the family
with two children from a previous marriage. At first my children then 3
and 5 were doted on like the in-laws own, even telling them to call them
Nana & Papa. All was fine and dandy until my husband and I had our
child.
The baby was ill for the first 3 months, needless to say I was
extremely protective. I more than likely had a little post partem
problem going on there too. I was fearful of leave the baby with the
in-laws, not because they would do anything to harm him but because I
feared that something could happen to him and I wouldn't be there. My
husband is a great guy and came from a "good" home and all but he just
seems to have an awful lot of resentment for his parents, mainly his
mom.
When I first met him, he didn't have contact with them unless they
called him and it took forever for him to bring me to meet them. He
has a sister, who he is not close to. The reason for that is he felt
second fiddle to her all his life and she is not a very nice person. My
children are afraid of her and she is very intimidating. When we had
family functions, my older kids would cry and beg me to take them to
their biological fathers house instead.
Anyway, years passed and my
older children were left out emotionally anyway. I hated this but bit
my tongue and told me kids to just be polite and behave. As time went
on I used to leave the baby with the MIL one day a week while I worked.
Then one day my mom passed away suddenly without warning and I grieved
terribly. My kids were devastated also.
The MIL wanted to have the
little one all the time during that terrible time but just the little
one. But he didn't want to be with her and showed her that by hiding on
her and crying for me and daddy. She accused me of turning him against
her. I did no such thing, I spoke to a grief councilor and she said he
was grieving for ME, the way I was before my mom died. The MIL couldn't
believe that and told me to snap out of it and get on with my life.
I had a hard time coming to terms with my moms death and she didn't help.
As more time passed I got myself together and emerged myself in my
family life. We had a talk with them during that time and the FIL told
us to tell them if we think they were being "Idiots" about something.
When my husband did explain that he thought they were unfair to him
between he and his sister, they bit his head off. So what was the point
of even telling them. It just made things worse A year or so later I
gave birth to a baby girl. Now the baby girl gets all the attention and
the other kids barely any. Could you go away on a vacation and bring
only one of your four grandchildren something back?
On a positive note about the in-laws. They do all the time. My kids feel much resentment towards them and would rather not have a relationship with them. When they come to visit my kids hang around for a bit and when no notice is taken of them they split and go watch tv. I can't say I blame them.
I know the negative feelings will eventually rub off on the baby, not from
my husband or I but from her siblings. My husband would rather not have
a relationship with them either but we do even though there is a lot of
tension when we are all together. How should we handle this, any
suggestions?
Signed, Tense and miserable
Yes, there is a way to handle your problem. Have as little contact with the people who cause you grief as possible.
If you really enjoy misery and being tense all the time, and having lots to complain about, then carry on as you are at present; but from all you have written I think you're fed up with all that. You'd like to get on with your life, giving your own family a sense of contentment and ease, without interference from those people who like to play favourites and ruin family solidarity.
Whatever negative feelings that are developing regarding your youngest child will NOT rub off on her unless you perpetuate them. It is your choice.
Try to initiate family experiences within your own home that involve only you and your husband and ALL your children. Anything you can do to encourage them all to recognize, respect, and love eachother for whom they are, nothing else, will benefit them, and you, forever.
You might be mistaken about the motives of your in-laws, but really you don't have to suffer the tension of second guessing what's on their minds. I wouldn't cut them out of your lives forever, but just arrange your own family in such a way that life goes on with new challenges as the children help eachother through the exciting stages of growing up.
Considering the difference in their ages, it will not be easy for you to meld them into one cooperative group - but then nobody ever promised us that raising children would be easy. We just have these babies with no guarantee attached, then it's up to us to do our own best to prepare them so that each of their lives will be fulfilling.
You do not have to "raise" your in-laws though. If being left out of the doings of your immediate family bothers them, they might figure out why. If they can't, maybe they'll write a letter to someone like me to find out. And you can bet, if they do, they will not seem to be the people you describe; the entire scenario will look different from their eyes.
A note of encouragement: you have just borne babies to a new husband, one of your babies was not well, you are coping with an ex-husband, you lost your mother, I'll bet you feel guilt about your relationships with several of the children in the group, all of which is eating your heart out.
Try to set all that aside and regroup your immediate family to establish a "family feeling" right in your own home, based on respect and love, not on who gets what when someone comes home from a vacation. One of your great assets is that you are able to put your problem into words. That's like winning half the battle. Thank goodness your husband is a good guy. He can help you get his and your family feeling like a family. As for his sister, who needs her in the mix. Concentrate on the positive.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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