My husband and I are retired and we both will be 65 soon. My parents
are 84
and 88 and not in very good health. Dad can't see or hear very much.
Doesn't
walk very well. Has a cane but won't use it. Doesn't leave the house
anymore
except for a hair cut. All he does is sleep, and eats when he feels
like
eating. Doctor has him on the Vista program which is a part of hospice.
Nurse comes once a week for check-ups. I was told by the doctor that he
was
in beginning of kidney failure and it is a matter of time, 6 months
maybe a
year.
Mother hasn't accepted this. She has had an ulcered leg now for
over 6
months. Been to the dr. in the beginning about 4 times and was told to
stay
off of it as much as she can. Went to the hospital on emergency one
night
before Xmas, nearly bled to death from it. Was getting better and now it
is
draining and has an awful odor. Told her she may lose her leg if she
doesn't
go to Dr. Said she would die first. Visiting nurse is now taking care of
that.
They live like they haven't any money. House is in terrible shape. Yard
works
needs to be done. Saves every dime she can, then pay car insurance and
tags
for a car they can't drive. Hasn't updated their will nor given me
durable
power of arttorney.
I am their only child and have been trying for over
a
year to get her to do some things to make the house look presentable on
the
outside, at least. Her washer need a small repair, won't get it fixed,
so I
end up doing her wash. Wants my husband to do all the yard work rather
than
hire someone we know to do it. She says they are private people and
don't want
strangers in or around their home. They have been robbed 4 time now,
last
time my dad was in the house and he never knew they were there.
I am so
depressed and it is beginning to affect my health. Don't know where to
turn
or what to do. I want to just leave and never come back, because I
can't get
her to do anything or make any decisions. Am at my whits end, has the
money
to get some of this yard work and other things done. Always says she has
too
much going around in her head to make any decisions and won't let me do
anything or let me make any decisions. Is there anyone on the internet
chat
lines I can talk to, to just get things off my mind.?
Well my friend, it looks as if you just did find someone to talk to, and
get things off your mind. But wouldn't it be great if indeed you COULD
get them off your mind.
No matter what you say, and write, and moan about it all, the situation
is not going to get any better. Your dear parents are in a serious
situation and I'm sure it worries both of them a lot more than it
worries you. At least you can go home and leave them from time to time;
but they are there to stay.
I can fully sympathize with them both. Going to a doctor is terrible
because they so often don't know a cure for what ails you but just
complicate things - and if they send you to a hospital, chances are
you'll get treated for something you don't have, somebody will mix up
the papers, or you'll catch some germ from another patient.
In spite of all that, I guess your mother needs attention of some sort.
I wish there was a neighbourhood clinic you could take her to. Or just
rely on that visiting nurse to make her more comfortable.
The business of handling money and household affairs should be in your
hands and surely this can be arranged. If you were to go to a lawyer and
have papers drawn up to give you power of attorney, you could hire
somebody to do the yard work and other things. And you could renew the
insurance and so forth, and just let the car expense lapse, or sell the
car. You might have to prove to somebody that your parents are unable to
look after their own affairs. I feel that wouldn't be too difficult,
considering the way they live. I know you don't want to introduce
strangers into that house - it would embarrass you to show anyone how
your parents live - but believe me, they are not unusual.
Many old people fall into that sad and dangerous situation. It doesn't
happen suddenly, it happens gradually. You really do need help to be
able to take charge. Social workers are paid to help people like you
care for their parents in the best way possible. Don't think of it as
interfering with them, all you are going to do is help them, in the same
way that they helped you when you were young and needed help.
Now it's your turn to take over. You just have to bite the bullet and do
it. Remember - the situation is not unusual. Many, many people are in
your exact same position with their aging parents. Nobody talks much
about it but the situation is not uncommon.
Be strong and take the chance that they will hate you for what you must
do. They will fight against your interference and make you feel awful.
But you know in your heart that you are a good person, only wanting your
parents to have less to worry about, and to have a decent home for their
declining years.
I wish you strength in this task. And remember, in twenty years, how
they have slipped into this sad condition. You will be wise to make sure
your own children have firm control of YOUR affairs before this happens
to you.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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