I am the "second wife." My child with my husband is the
"second child." This is how me and my 4 year old are treated by my husband's
family we come second! When I first came into this relationship my husbands
family was so sweet. They told me about how his first wife was a terrible
wife and they really did not like her. This all changed when we got married.
On my wedding day after me and my husband got married 5 years ago, I wasn't
congratulated and welcomed to the family, his mother said "I really wish him
and Alice[his first wife) would have worked this out. How do you work out a
marriage that the ex wife had numerous affairs?
My husband stopped seeing his
other child because of all the problems his ex wife causes when he does try
and talk or see him, i.e., she takes him to court every other week when he
does speak or see the child. In one month we went to court 3 times. ( he
keeps child support up to date) I feel this might be part of the problem with
me and his Mother. My husband made the decision for himself, I had no part in
him not seeing his other son, I personally think it is wrong for my husband
not to see his child, but he is 40 years old and very stubborn. I feel his
family blames me for his decision.
I thought I had done everything right. I dread holidays. This is when
it is the worst. I become very nervous at Christmas time because I know what
is coming. I get to hear about how great his first wife, and how much she has
changed, how hard she works, ( I am a stay at home mom), and how wonderful
Alice is for letting them share Christmas with Richie, (his other son). My
husband ex never allowed us to see Richie at all for Christmas! Does it sound
like his mother is doing this to hurt me?
I just wish they would except me
and my child or have nothing to do with us. She only stops on holidays or
birthdays, and she stands in my doorway! She won't even sit to have coffee
with me. She stands in the doorway sometimes for 45 minutes. This makes me
feel like I or my home is not good enough for her. She always seems to forget
my children's names, I know this hurts my children. The question I have is,
would it be wrong for me to ask them not to bother with me? My husband don't
really care if we see them or not, but would it be out of line for me to ask
them until you change your ways leave me alone.
Your new in-laws showed you right away that they are the kind of people who criticize others. They told you that the "first" wife was terrible and that they did not like her. That should have given you warning that these people can be vindictive and do not mind finding fault and talking about other people's failings.
Don't expect them to change on your behalf. Just live with the fact that they may never "approve" of you, though what they are really not approving of is the life style that so many people have adopted. Going to court three times in one month to have permission to see one's son is just part of it. Chances are that your inlaws have stuck together, providing a home for their children through all kinds of problems and they will never be completely understanding about the way their son is ordering his life. It may be harder than you can imagine for themn to know how to relate to the way people run their families these days. They probably wouldn't feel comfortable taking it out on him, so you become their target.
Of course they would have liked the first marriage to have worked out, sll this problem with the first son would have been avoided and life would seem to them to be on an even keel. No doubt they fantacize about it now, although at the time they were able to see it was not all that great.
Your husband is stubborn too, but don't let that bother you, it can be a benefit. Just let him stick by what he feels is right and try not to get involved with his relationship with the former wife, or his first son. That will sort itself out in time. When the boy is a bit older he will make his own choices; then you must be prepared to welcome him into your husband's life and treat him as kindly as you do your own children. I know you will, because you know how awful it is to be rejected, so you would never reject anyone else.
As for telling your mother in law to leave you alone - well - that could be a bad decision. Standing at the door and refusing to sit down is not unusual. I've known people who did that and it drove me crazy. The only way to deal with it is TRY to ignore it. Pretend she is sitting on a chair and chat with her in a normal way. You COULD take a chair over to where she is standing and ask her to sit because it makes you nervous to see her standing there. I'd try that once and see what happens.
But you'd be better to just let her come over whenever she wants to and totally ignore all her criticisms of you, unless she happens to come up with something really useful, in which case you would thank her. Close your mind - in fact you might even try closing your eyes - whenever she starts talking about that first wife, or says anything else that bothers you. Closing your eyes will let her know you are not listening. The main thing is - don't argue; that would put her in a position of managing you. If you don't react, she will probably get another hobby!
The only reason she is making life hard for you is because she feels insecure around you. I would not be surprised to discover that she actually envies you and is trying to put you down to make herself feel better. So just let her go on with what she feels she must do. You could try saying complimentary things to her to build up her self esteem. To do this without seeming phoney is not easy, but work on it. You're lucky that it isn't affecting your relationship with her son. If you can manage not to complain to him about her, that will help to keep your own relationship on a good course.
Sitting down and writing your problems on the computer was a splendid idea. I hope that just reading my "chat" about your problem will help.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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