My 38-year-old alcoholic brother won't leave home! He doesn't work. My mother
is 73 year's old and works nights as a nurse. The only way she can retire is
if she sells the house. He says the house is his and is mean and condescending
if things don't go his way. She and I and my three children are very close and
do lots of things together and she rarely interacts with my brother. He's been
getting by by scamming pocket change from her if she asks him to pick
something up for her while he's out. She's provided him with a car so he has
some kind of an outlet to keep him and her sane.
Recently, he's starting to
out and out steal from her: charging things like chat-lines on her Visa--so
she had to cancel it--and food and booze on her gas cards and now gifts on her
department store card. I want her to come live with me and my family when she
is ready to retire, which she says she will probably do one day, but now feels
she can't do it because the brother won't have a place to go. I have two older
siblings who are on their own and one brother who committed suicide after
years of mental problems and substance abuse. Her reasoning is that, "for
people like T and R, if you say sink or swim, they will sink, and I can't
stand the thought of having another child die without help." He's been through
all the alcohol programs, etc. and everytime I get fed up and gripe, it
interfere's with mine and my mother's relationship, so I just try to listen
and be supportive, but the only conclusion I can see is going to bad. Hope
you have some good advice, as there is no way she will seek help unless it's
from a bookstore.
Your mother has a huge problem on her hands and she is lucky to have you there at her side. Every time you get fed up and gripe, your relationship with her deteriorates, so you've discovered that griping is counterproductive. Now you just try to listen. That's good. Creative listening can be difficult but achieves a great deal.
The time will come very soon when just listening isn't enough and somebody has to take action. Even though your family has suffered the trauma of one suicide, that doesn't mean that this other son will follow his brother's example. He may be using that possibility to hold everyone in his power.
If he is stealing money from your mother you should report him to the police. If he is drinking and driving, you should alert the police about that too. If he thinks the house is his, you should consult a lawyer if necessary to have something in writing which states the ownership of the house, or simply call the town hall to clear that up quickly; who pays the taxes on the house? Him or your mother?
I wish I could talk with your mother about her prospects as she gets older. At present she feels as able to run her own affairs and her own household as she ever was. Age creeps on so slowly that we tend to forget that we are actually getting old and will eventually need to be somewhere with other people who care for us. Going into a nursing home is a last resort, in most people's minds, but going to live with a daughter and her family sounds like a wonderful choice. Direct your mother's attention to elderly people who do not have that choice, and see what happens to them when age catches up to them and they are not able to fend for themselves any more.
When she worries about what your brother is going to do, after she has sold the house, she should come to terms with the fact that he is an adult. She has devoted untold hours to him, raising him and trying to help him through all his self-inflicted troubles. Now she needs to take care of herself. Living with such a person is not in her best interest. That son is chipping away at her in many ways, not just the change he steals from her grocery money.
If the threat that he might take his own life is keeping her from pushing him out of the nest, she should call whatever social workers you have in your neighbourhood and have him seen by a psychiatrist. You say he has tried all the programs to get off alcohol, but I guess he has not taken any of these seriously. If he threatens suicide, he can be comitted. That brother is either sick or faking, or just a plain ordinary thief, welching off your mother.
There is always the possibility that you are misinterpreting the whole scene, but if it is actually as you state, I hope you will be able to persuade your mother to sell the house and let that son fend for himself, before it becomes too late. You, and she, would be surprised how quickly one's age prevents one from being able to make the best decisions. At 73 she feels, and is, totally able, but ten years from now it might be a whole lot harder to take the needed action.
>From the point of view of your brother. It is no favour to him to be coddled forever, living in the false world of believing he owns a house and can pilfer all the money he wants from his mother. He'd be far better out on his own doing whatever he needs to do to pay his own way.
I hope you can get moral support from your other siblings. Surely they must realize that the present situation has no happy ending for your mother and must be corrected. I hope you can solve it soon.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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